Thoughts at 13 weeks

I have been thinking about addiction, as opposed to alcoholism today. This was a result of reading a recovery blog where someone had looked back and realised that their alcohol addiction had been preceded by anorexia and now that they had stopped drinking there were signs of anorexia creeping back. The conclusion was that addiction was the main problem and it can manifest in diffferent ways.

Since I have stopped drinking I can see similar traits. I've always been a bit of a spendaholic, though when I was drinking I spent very little on myself, mainly due to guilt at the amount I spent on drink, and also because I didnt really have the energy to shop for more than was absolutely needed. I have been spending a bit more recently on myself. A hairdo, massage, nice face cream, that sort of stuff, but I know I need to keep a check on it. In a lot of ways its me being nice to myself and is a reward for doing well at this, and being nice to myself boosts my confidence, so it cant be all that bad. I've also become a bit obsessed about money in general. Not in a greedy or mean sort of way, its more a security thing, knowing I have enough to manage, counting where it goes etc. Maybe this is just good practice, but its new to me! So in one way I'm being pretty sensible but am also capable of blowing a bit on a impromptu shopping trip. But I'm trying to monitor things to make sure it doesnt get out of hand.

I suppose looking at addiction as a whole makes me feel better about the alcohol thing. It makes it just another thing rather than THE thing. I have always know I've had an addictive / obsessive personality, and I suppose at some times in my life my obsessions have been pretty healthy. Things like productive hobbies etc in the past and certainly not destructive. It seems like a new way to view this problem and makes it seem like less of a 'dirty' problem. And I suppose having an all round awareness of this might help to prevent me going off on another destructive addictive persuit.

I'm sure this transfer of addictions has come up before but any thoughts?

Fuzzy thoughts at 3 months

I haven't caught up for a while and while I am looking at your blogs I haven't been commenting much. I have been really poorly with a virus bug thing and feeling really rotten. I am still sober though and just passed my 3 month mark this week ... YAY! And that achievement feels great!

I hope to catch up with you all this weekend and write some 13 weeks reflections when my head is feeling a little clearer. Apart from Patrick who's spammed my blog, and others. Bloody irritating. Patrick, I am not a 12 stepper but many of my blog friends are. I am not a bigot you see, now bugger off and leave us alone. I suspect I will have to activate comment moderation which is irritating. Hmm, well, such is life!

A good weekend to all! :-)

Problem at almost 12 weeks

I'm just checking in with what I feel is a startling discovery, well for me at least and I feel pretty foolish about it. I may be wrong but I was concerned this week after hitting yet another bout of severe tiredness. Although I'm enjoying sobriety these spells of fatigue / lethargy really bug me. Although I am getting a reasonable 6-7ish hours of sleep per night, I'm waking up feeling far from rested and really tired throughout the day. To the point this week that I've been considering going to my GP.

Well, I've been Googling, thinking I could be hitting some protracted withdrawal wall, but the alcohol related tiredness doesnt seem to last this long?? And I reckon its all down to caffeine. I've always been a big diet coke and tea fan (especially to counter a hangover) but I realised today that since I stopped drinking alcohol my intake has insreased .... a lot. Lo and behold, I found the symptoms of caffeine withdrawal include fatigue / tiredness. I've just been reading a forum where folk are talking about getting off caffeine in the same way we do about alcohol. Do we taper off? Go cold turkey etc. What the hell have I got into now??? I suppose ontop of my regular tea / coffee intake, I have replaced the recreational aspect of my alcohol drinking with diet coke and Red Bull.

Does this mean I am gettin nowhere with addiction in general? Any thoughts? Experience?

Thoughts at ten weeks

My first thought at ten weeks is I missed posting my thoughts at weeks eight and nine! Shame on me, I've been really busy and blogging has suffered again :-(

In some ways that may be good, sober days are floating by and turning into weeks without my noticing. However, I also know that at around this time on my last longest spell of sobriety, I stopped counting and reflecting on my progress and quite quickly started drinking again. So, hmm, I'm not going there again!

All in all its going well though. Weekends have always been my most difficult times and I've had 2 very strong craving experiences, both at weekends, but 2 out of 10 isnt half bad. One very useful tool I used at those times was described by someone as 'looking past the first drink', and that feels like an extremely poweful tool. When the first thoughts / cravings descended, I immediately forced myself to think of the consequences. The fact that the 'warm glow' doesnt last, the depression sets in, the headaches and sick feeling, the dry retching, the self disgust, days off work, the guilt and the futility. Forcing myself to reach that end point mentally before I had even drank a drop helped me stop. I've been round that cycle of thinking it would be different too many times and I know the next time would be the same. I need to develop that tool. I also feel more removed from the emotional attachment to drink, ie. it doesnt feel like a crutch that would offre any support anymore. Not that it did provide any real support, but the addictive voice sure convinced me at times.

I have also had one or two tough family issues to deal with, sober. Thats felt very strange and scary, but I have learned that it is manageable and the absence of those usual guilt (ie. 'this wouldnt have happened if I didnt drink') type of thoughts, hs helped enormously. It taught me that shit still happens though, so not drinking isnt the end of the problems, but I feel stronger dealing with them sober. I was even complimented on handling a tough situation well yesterday and that felt good to know I had managed that sober.

Life is slowly starting to feel 'normal', normal ups and downs and problems, but not extremes. It feels like its levelling out, or at least I am! Of course theres a boring element to that, but maybe I'm just old enough to appreciate boredom and leave the crazy stuff behind. Sleep is one thing that isnt returning to normal as quickly. I still stay up too late and feel tired in the morning and dont feel comfortable going off to bed. I've heard it can vary how long that takes though and am willing to see that through.

So from here on in its new territory and that feels exciting. But I know I need to keep my eye on the ball to keep going. Last time I got to this point thinking I was a normal non drinker, and somewhere from there the idea emerged that I could be a normal drinker developed. I know now that is not possible and just the addictive voice finding a way in.

So I have to end with a summary of milestones!! Today marks from 26th March:

• 70 days
• 10 full weeks
• 10 weekends
• Two calendar months by date (26th)
• Two calendar months by month (April and May)
• One season (Spring - March - May) Sort of, not the whole of March!!!

The last milestone might be odd, but it feels very significant that the last time I drank it was before the Spring was really here, it felt cold, Wintery and most importantly - a pretty long time ago!! Anything that serves to mark distance between me and my last drink helps!