Problem at almost 12 weeks

I'm just checking in with what I feel is a startling discovery, well for me at least and I feel pretty foolish about it. I may be wrong but I was concerned this week after hitting yet another bout of severe tiredness. Although I'm enjoying sobriety these spells of fatigue / lethargy really bug me. Although I am getting a reasonable 6-7ish hours of sleep per night, I'm waking up feeling far from rested and really tired throughout the day. To the point this week that I've been considering going to my GP.

Well, I've been Googling, thinking I could be hitting some protracted withdrawal wall, but the alcohol related tiredness doesnt seem to last this long?? And I reckon its all down to caffeine. I've always been a big diet coke and tea fan (especially to counter a hangover) but I realised today that since I stopped drinking alcohol my intake has insreased .... a lot. Lo and behold, I found the symptoms of caffeine withdrawal include fatigue / tiredness. I've just been reading a forum where folk are talking about getting off caffeine in the same way we do about alcohol. Do we taper off? Go cold turkey etc. What the hell have I got into now??? I suppose ontop of my regular tea / coffee intake, I have replaced the recreational aspect of my alcohol drinking with diet coke and Red Bull.

Does this mean I am gettin nowhere with addiction in general? Any thoughts? Experience?

Response to 'Close Call' - Forum reply

Some of my posts are copied from a forum I belong to and often input from others is very helpful, as the comments are here. So I am going to post (with permission) some of the responses so I can look back at how I learned from them. One such reponse to my previous post:

love to hear of the boost to confidence overall. find myself wondering if the confidence that got shaken is the same kind of confidence that got boosted. that sounds weird, and i'll try to explain what i might mean. i'm thinking that maybe the one that got shaken is based more on a belief of the experience of the last few weeks that it hasn't been THAT hard and therefore WON't be that hard, rather than the boosted confidence which comes from the experiences of surmounting difficulties, and is a more satisfying, hardwon one. and maybe that's nonsense, and maybe it doesn't matter at all. just a thought. overall boost is great! your list of possible triggers...yeah, i can see that. not only was alcohol around, but it was presented as only a positive, something to be won, prized and enjoyed. Slipping back into the 'I can moderate' routine was the most likely and I just kept repeating to myself that I'd tried it sooo many times and it didnt work that way, it always went downhill overnight. no idea if this might be helpful to you at all: i think what's stopped me from having any thoughts of attempting to moderate is that i've looked at that and myself and know that i have no wish to moderate. i know that i would not WANT to have one...i'd want to get drunk. (that sounds sooo disgusting to me as i write it).so i don't think of moderation as something i can't do, but as something totally unappealing and pointless.

My counter reponse:

"so i don't think of moderation as something i can't do, but as something totally unappealing and pointless.".... This comment is pure gold and when I think about it I was thinking in terms of getting drunk rather than 'having a couple'. I knew I was alone that night, I knew I didnt have to get up, I even thought 'one bottle' isnt bad in 7 weeks, ie. I was going to drink the whole lot and not just have a glass, and that was a given before it even touched my lips. So even my addictive voice wasnt trying to fool me, it was thinking in terms of bottles of wine all along! I think keeping that 'one drink is pointless' in my head will help next time!!

Close call

Just wanted to check in as tonight I had the strongest craving I've had so far. After doing so seemingly effortlessly well, I was just suddenly overcome with a really strong urge to buy wine. There was no trigger to speak of, no associated thoughts, nothing. It really took a lot of persuasion, trying to relive the bad bits, remember the headaches, wretching other hangovers nightmares, reminding myself how many days counting I would lose, not to mention, two cans of red bull, a diet coke and large bar of chocolate in quick succession to dull it.

Whats that all about? If I were in some situation which presented temptation I could understand it but I wasnt. If it were last week when I had the sunny afternoon in the garden BBQing associations, I could understand it. There were those 'you've done so well, one bottle of wine in 7 weeks isnt bad' type of LB thoughts. LB was really trying its hardest. Is that a physical thing?

Thankfully I got through it but it was a close thing and I had that horrible feeling that at some point I would crack and I had no control over it. I just had to keep telling mysef I was a grown up and could chose not to drink. I think this was the situation that got me last time, totally unexpected and therefore totally unprepared for. But its bloody frightened me!

Just wanted to get this down while it was fresh. Oh, and also, its after mdnight here and I cant sleep ... too much red bull!! Time to give some thought to what might have been going on there.

Thoughts at six weeks

Well Day 42 day so that makes 6 weeks I guess. Thing is I'm feeling a bit flat and less than celebratory about it. Maybe its just the way I am just now and I am settling down and taking it for granted, the honeymoon period might be over, which is OK as long as it doesnt spell danger. I must be vigilent of danger!! Maybe it a phase of the prolonged physical withdrawal?

But another thing and I think the main reason is that I'm giving myself a really hard time about still smoking! I feel I should be giving up and am a bit daunted to tackle this so soon in one way and disapointed in myself for finding it so hard when I've done so well with the drink! Am I just mad or is it just some alcoholic need to beat oneself up for something!?? I've been monitoring my smoking over the last two weeks and I thought it would reduce naturally when not drinking but its still over a pack a day, so maybe I was just smoking even more when I was drinking, I guess that was probably the case. However I thinks its going to be an entirely different beast to conquer, harder in many ways. But I reckon if I can apply the same thought power I might do it. Maybe I should just stop beating myself up and relax!

Reading the leaflet from the nicotine gum I bought which says to either choose a date and stop or cut down for a defined period of a month to 6 weeks then stop. While I know cutting down never worked with drink, I think the mechanics of the addiction are different with tobacco, for me at least, so I think I will spend a month cutting down by making rules like no smoking in the car etc and then set a quit date. Its crazy as when I'm at work I can go for 8 hours just using the gum and but as soon as I'm out I chain smoke. So anyway, looks like I'm heading for 1st June as a possible smoking quit date.

I've also been having strange sleeping patterns which may not help my mood. I've had few mornings where I've woken early with the alarm and then fallen back into a really deep sleep for about 2 further hours and slept through 2 seperate alarms and then take a good half hour or so to come round, and of course made myself late. I'd expect this if I were drinking but its most worrying and disapointing to have this happen when sober! I'm thinking of getting a check up at the docs.

I've just reread that post about stages of recovery and I MUST remember this and let myself just BE during these times. I'm trying to run before I walk.... nothing new there though!

Thoughts at five weeks

This is just one of my notes to self, but any feedback would be appreciated. I was thinking today, 5 weeks into this that I feel as if I am not concentrating so much on 'not drinking'. Not that I am craving drink or anything, infact I've been really pleased that I've had no major cravings and one or two minor episodes. The thing I'm concerned about is my last long spell of success was 10 weeksish in toal and I seem to remember feeling the same then at a bout this stage, the focus on being/kjeeping sober subsided and I started to feel 'normal', thought I'd cracked it. Not so bad maybe, but 5 weeks later, last time I drank again. So it wasnt immediate, and I dont recall thinking at anytime I couldnt drink normally or anything, as far as I was concerened I approached life with a 'I dont drink' attitude. I suppose I took my eye off the ball. The exact reason I drank again did seem to have something to do with thinking I could drink normally again, but there didnt seem to be any thought process connected with that.

Now last time I didnt keep posting here or have any other grounding. I was quite heavily into the RR method and I think I took on board the concept that if one was going to make that lasting/final decision never to drink again, then why dwell on drinking..after all it wasnt something I was going to consider doing again. I think the counting days thing brought this up in my minds as I think the RR take on that is why count days when we have stopped for ever. The concept of thinking about possible relapse was thought to be pointless as it just wasnt going to happen. Or maybe I misinterpreted something all together?

Anyway I was just mulling over this and wondered if anyone had any similar feelings and how do we keep sobriety foremost in our minds when life in general starts feeling normal? Am I over simplifying this or over complicating it or an I just paranoid and mad??!!