Thoughts at 13 weeks

I have been thinking about addiction, as opposed to alcoholism today. This was a result of reading a recovery blog where someone had looked back and realised that their alcohol addiction had been preceded by anorexia and now that they had stopped drinking there were signs of anorexia creeping back. The conclusion was that addiction was the main problem and it can manifest in diffferent ways.

Since I have stopped drinking I can see similar traits. I've always been a bit of a spendaholic, though when I was drinking I spent very little on myself, mainly due to guilt at the amount I spent on drink, and also because I didnt really have the energy to shop for more than was absolutely needed. I have been spending a bit more recently on myself. A hairdo, massage, nice face cream, that sort of stuff, but I know I need to keep a check on it. In a lot of ways its me being nice to myself and is a reward for doing well at this, and being nice to myself boosts my confidence, so it cant be all that bad. I've also become a bit obsessed about money in general. Not in a greedy or mean sort of way, its more a security thing, knowing I have enough to manage, counting where it goes etc. Maybe this is just good practice, but its new to me! So in one way I'm being pretty sensible but am also capable of blowing a bit on a impromptu shopping trip. But I'm trying to monitor things to make sure it doesnt get out of hand.

I suppose looking at addiction as a whole makes me feel better about the alcohol thing. It makes it just another thing rather than THE thing. I have always know I've had an addictive / obsessive personality, and I suppose at some times in my life my obsessions have been pretty healthy. Things like productive hobbies etc in the past and certainly not destructive. It seems like a new way to view this problem and makes it seem like less of a 'dirty' problem. And I suppose having an all round awareness of this might help to prevent me going off on another destructive addictive persuit.

I'm sure this transfer of addictions has come up before but any thoughts?

Fuzzy thoughts at 3 months

I haven't caught up for a while and while I am looking at your blogs I haven't been commenting much. I have been really poorly with a virus bug thing and feeling really rotten. I am still sober though and just passed my 3 month mark this week ... YAY! And that achievement feels great!

I hope to catch up with you all this weekend and write some 13 weeks reflections when my head is feeling a little clearer. Apart from Patrick who's spammed my blog, and others. Bloody irritating. Patrick, I am not a 12 stepper but many of my blog friends are. I am not a bigot you see, now bugger off and leave us alone. I suspect I will have to activate comment moderation which is irritating. Hmm, well, such is life!

A good weekend to all! :-)

Problem at almost 12 weeks

I'm just checking in with what I feel is a startling discovery, well for me at least and I feel pretty foolish about it. I may be wrong but I was concerned this week after hitting yet another bout of severe tiredness. Although I'm enjoying sobriety these spells of fatigue / lethargy really bug me. Although I am getting a reasonable 6-7ish hours of sleep per night, I'm waking up feeling far from rested and really tired throughout the day. To the point this week that I've been considering going to my GP.

Well, I've been Googling, thinking I could be hitting some protracted withdrawal wall, but the alcohol related tiredness doesnt seem to last this long?? And I reckon its all down to caffeine. I've always been a big diet coke and tea fan (especially to counter a hangover) but I realised today that since I stopped drinking alcohol my intake has insreased .... a lot. Lo and behold, I found the symptoms of caffeine withdrawal include fatigue / tiredness. I've just been reading a forum where folk are talking about getting off caffeine in the same way we do about alcohol. Do we taper off? Go cold turkey etc. What the hell have I got into now??? I suppose ontop of my regular tea / coffee intake, I have replaced the recreational aspect of my alcohol drinking with diet coke and Red Bull.

Does this mean I am gettin nowhere with addiction in general? Any thoughts? Experience?

Thoughts at ten weeks

My first thought at ten weeks is I missed posting my thoughts at weeks eight and nine! Shame on me, I've been really busy and blogging has suffered again :-(

In some ways that may be good, sober days are floating by and turning into weeks without my noticing. However, I also know that at around this time on my last longest spell of sobriety, I stopped counting and reflecting on my progress and quite quickly started drinking again. So, hmm, I'm not going there again!

All in all its going well though. Weekends have always been my most difficult times and I've had 2 very strong craving experiences, both at weekends, but 2 out of 10 isnt half bad. One very useful tool I used at those times was described by someone as 'looking past the first drink', and that feels like an extremely poweful tool. When the first thoughts / cravings descended, I immediately forced myself to think of the consequences. The fact that the 'warm glow' doesnt last, the depression sets in, the headaches and sick feeling, the dry retching, the self disgust, days off work, the guilt and the futility. Forcing myself to reach that end point mentally before I had even drank a drop helped me stop. I've been round that cycle of thinking it would be different too many times and I know the next time would be the same. I need to develop that tool. I also feel more removed from the emotional attachment to drink, ie. it doesnt feel like a crutch that would offre any support anymore. Not that it did provide any real support, but the addictive voice sure convinced me at times.

I have also had one or two tough family issues to deal with, sober. Thats felt very strange and scary, but I have learned that it is manageable and the absence of those usual guilt (ie. 'this wouldnt have happened if I didnt drink') type of thoughts, hs helped enormously. It taught me that shit still happens though, so not drinking isnt the end of the problems, but I feel stronger dealing with them sober. I was even complimented on handling a tough situation well yesterday and that felt good to know I had managed that sober.

Life is slowly starting to feel 'normal', normal ups and downs and problems, but not extremes. It feels like its levelling out, or at least I am! Of course theres a boring element to that, but maybe I'm just old enough to appreciate boredom and leave the crazy stuff behind. Sleep is one thing that isnt returning to normal as quickly. I still stay up too late and feel tired in the morning and dont feel comfortable going off to bed. I've heard it can vary how long that takes though and am willing to see that through.

So from here on in its new territory and that feels exciting. But I know I need to keep my eye on the ball to keep going. Last time I got to this point thinking I was a normal non drinker, and somewhere from there the idea emerged that I could be a normal drinker developed. I know now that is not possible and just the addictive voice finding a way in.

So I have to end with a summary of milestones!! Today marks from 26th March:

• 70 days
• 10 full weeks
• 10 weekends
• Two calendar months by date (26th)
• Two calendar months by month (April and May)
• One season (Spring - March - May) Sort of, not the whole of March!!!

The last milestone might be odd, but it feels very significant that the last time I drank it was before the Spring was really here, it felt cold, Wintery and most importantly - a pretty long time ago!! Anything that serves to mark distance between me and my last drink helps!

Response to 'Close Call' - Forum reply

Some of my posts are copied from a forum I belong to and often input from others is very helpful, as the comments are here. So I am going to post (with permission) some of the responses so I can look back at how I learned from them. One such reponse to my previous post:

love to hear of the boost to confidence overall. find myself wondering if the confidence that got shaken is the same kind of confidence that got boosted. that sounds weird, and i'll try to explain what i might mean. i'm thinking that maybe the one that got shaken is based more on a belief of the experience of the last few weeks that it hasn't been THAT hard and therefore WON't be that hard, rather than the boosted confidence which comes from the experiences of surmounting difficulties, and is a more satisfying, hardwon one. and maybe that's nonsense, and maybe it doesn't matter at all. just a thought. overall boost is great! your list of possible triggers...yeah, i can see that. not only was alcohol around, but it was presented as only a positive, something to be won, prized and enjoyed. Slipping back into the 'I can moderate' routine was the most likely and I just kept repeating to myself that I'd tried it sooo many times and it didnt work that way, it always went downhill overnight. no idea if this might be helpful to you at all: i think what's stopped me from having any thoughts of attempting to moderate is that i've looked at that and myself and know that i have no wish to moderate. i know that i would not WANT to have one...i'd want to get drunk. (that sounds sooo disgusting to me as i write it).so i don't think of moderation as something i can't do, but as something totally unappealing and pointless.

My counter reponse:

"so i don't think of moderation as something i can't do, but as something totally unappealing and pointless.".... This comment is pure gold and when I think about it I was thinking in terms of getting drunk rather than 'having a couple'. I knew I was alone that night, I knew I didnt have to get up, I even thought 'one bottle' isnt bad in 7 weeks, ie. I was going to drink the whole lot and not just have a glass, and that was a given before it even touched my lips. So even my addictive voice wasnt trying to fool me, it was thinking in terms of bottles of wine all along! I think keeping that 'one drink is pointless' in my head will help next time!!

Close call

Just wanted to check in as tonight I had the strongest craving I've had so far. After doing so seemingly effortlessly well, I was just suddenly overcome with a really strong urge to buy wine. There was no trigger to speak of, no associated thoughts, nothing. It really took a lot of persuasion, trying to relive the bad bits, remember the headaches, wretching other hangovers nightmares, reminding myself how many days counting I would lose, not to mention, two cans of red bull, a diet coke and large bar of chocolate in quick succession to dull it.

Whats that all about? If I were in some situation which presented temptation I could understand it but I wasnt. If it were last week when I had the sunny afternoon in the garden BBQing associations, I could understand it. There were those 'you've done so well, one bottle of wine in 7 weeks isnt bad' type of LB thoughts. LB was really trying its hardest. Is that a physical thing?

Thankfully I got through it but it was a close thing and I had that horrible feeling that at some point I would crack and I had no control over it. I just had to keep telling mysef I was a grown up and could chose not to drink. I think this was the situation that got me last time, totally unexpected and therefore totally unprepared for. But its bloody frightened me!

Just wanted to get this down while it was fresh. Oh, and also, its after mdnight here and I cant sleep ... too much red bull!! Time to give some thought to what might have been going on there.

Thoughts at seven weeks

Well its seven weeks today and tomorrow is Day 50!

I cant believe I am here already. Seven weeks ago this point seemed unachievable, which is why I kept putting it off I guess. It has seemed that way for the last 3 years since I was last at this stage and all it took was one simple act .... to stop drinking! It wasnt half as difficult or as the anticipation of it was.

In the last week or so my mood seems to be up and down and I need to keep watch over that as it was about this time in my last longish sober spell, that I stopped thinking about it and three weeks later I was drinking. I keep telling myself I dont want to go back there, so I suppose I am thinking about it on one level. But I feel a sort of 'emotional limbo' a lot of the time with a few feelings of unexplained episodes of anger thrown in and could see it would be easy to drift back to the 'I can drink normally, I'll have a couple to unwind' kind of thoughts. I've had no major cravings, but then I didn't last time, it seemed as if one day I just drank. I am sure it didnt happen like that but thats how it seemed. So I'm keeping my guard up and am trying to monitor how I feel and keep posting here. I still appreciate feeling better but am still overcome with periods of unexplained tiredness so that benefit isn't constant. However, I still havent cracked the relaxation so no wonder I'm tired. I keep going from the time I get up until way past the time I should be asleep .... like now! Something to work on next I think.

My frugality (is that a word??) isn't getting much better, but I am keeping track of spending religiously. I think one of the reasons I am giving myself a hard time about still smoking is the amount of money I am spending. When I work it out, I was spending less on drink that cigs, but given I was doing both back then I must be better off!

One thing I am trying to stop doing is giving myself a hard time for spending money on me. When I was drinking I spent as little as possible on myself out of guilt. A lot of cheap and second hand clothes. While there is nothing wrong with that I do think its good to treat myself to a few good quality staple items for my wardrobe. It makes me feel better to wear nice things. I spent too much on the kids, probably out of guilt too. I am now trying to turn that around. I work very hard and keep this house going single handedly, so I have spent some money on clothes and my passion of shoes. While I dont want to replace the drinking addiction with spending, I have decided I need to be better to myself and the kids need to do more to earn their lot! That lesson is a hard one to turn on its head, they're used to getting too much of what they want in return for very little and boy, its not going down well! Anyway, through this I'm trying to build a healthy balance to make myself feel more valued by me, and its boosting my moral! I am not really a materialistic person, but a few indulgences wont hurt!

My budgeting is still a nightmare but I am spending a lot of time and energy studying it! At least I have an acurate recoed of spending and its hleping me budget better for next month. For example I spent quiote a lot in the first 2 weeks of the month which panicked me. But this week I'm spending a lot less and I think it will even out so I can calculate an average and the best way to do a weekly / montly budget. For example I am finding it doesnt work budgeting clothes and car expenses on a weekly basis, so I have created seperate savings accounts for them and a few unexpected expenses have cropped up for which I think I need an emergency stash for one offs.

It isnt perfect and my budget has a long way to go but I think overall I've had a productive month getting things in place. I have also listed quite a few thigs on Ebay and to my astonishment have sold 3 things already and my other listings are being watched by a few people! This could turn into a new hobby! I am looking forward to the weekend when I can watch the countdown to the bids ending. I could see this being a profitable alternative to gambling!! It might also pay for the shoes I bought at the weekend!!

So all in all I am trying to stop giving myself grief for not doing well enough, (ingrained from youth. but thats another story) and for not doing it all at once. As of today I am 7 weeks sober, I am working on improving my finances and cutting down smoking with a view to stopping. Not bad for 2 months efforts!!

Over all there is a sense of order returning to my life. I am effortlessly (well almost!) getting everyday chores done .... well everyday. Things like washing clothes and dishes and cooking regular meals instead of takeaways. This has taken to whole 7 weeks to manifest itself however, the changes have been slow, a lot slower than the last long spell of sobriety, but I can see them clearly now.

Minor victories

I feel as if I chalked up some minor victories this weekend. It was the first really hot weekend of the year, here in the damp dismal UK and I got caught up in the two most popular activities of such a weekend. 1) Gardening 2) BBQs. Both activites are long associated with drinking for me.

The BBQ was quite an impromptu and low key affair, just me and the kids cooking tea outside, but on a hot summer Saturday evening after a productive day gardening, sitting with a glass or few of wine to admire the fruits of my labour was almost compulsory in summers gone by. Most of those evenings would end up with me well into the second bottle of wine long after the sun had set, however.

I was aware as we sat down to eat that something was missing, but it was just a fleeting thought, no strong cravings. I could hear the neighbours getting louder and louder as they enjoyed their drinks in the garden and just kept concentrating on the fact that I did not need alcohol to enjoy the evening and whats more, I would not enjoy the following day if I did drink.

All in all I was pretty pleased with my success and it managed to reinforce the thought in me that I DO NOT NEED TO DRINK. There is no situation I could be in, good or bad, that requires alcohol. I even stayed up late last night, after all the neighbourhood lights were out and reveled in the fact I would wake up feeling good. I intended to sleep late today, but since I've stopped drinking I seem to wake early anyway. As a result of not drinking I was also able to give my son a lift last night.

Consequently Day 47 arrived today intact! Woo hoo for me!!!

Thoughts at six weeks

Well Day 42 day so that makes 6 weeks I guess. Thing is I'm feeling a bit flat and less than celebratory about it. Maybe its just the way I am just now and I am settling down and taking it for granted, the honeymoon period might be over, which is OK as long as it doesnt spell danger. I must be vigilent of danger!! Maybe it a phase of the prolonged physical withdrawal?

But another thing and I think the main reason is that I'm giving myself a really hard time about still smoking! I feel I should be giving up and am a bit daunted to tackle this so soon in one way and disapointed in myself for finding it so hard when I've done so well with the drink! Am I just mad or is it just some alcoholic need to beat oneself up for something!?? I've been monitoring my smoking over the last two weeks and I thought it would reduce naturally when not drinking but its still over a pack a day, so maybe I was just smoking even more when I was drinking, I guess that was probably the case. However I thinks its going to be an entirely different beast to conquer, harder in many ways. But I reckon if I can apply the same thought power I might do it. Maybe I should just stop beating myself up and relax!

Reading the leaflet from the nicotine gum I bought which says to either choose a date and stop or cut down for a defined period of a month to 6 weeks then stop. While I know cutting down never worked with drink, I think the mechanics of the addiction are different with tobacco, for me at least, so I think I will spend a month cutting down by making rules like no smoking in the car etc and then set a quit date. Its crazy as when I'm at work I can go for 8 hours just using the gum and but as soon as I'm out I chain smoke. So anyway, looks like I'm heading for 1st June as a possible smoking quit date.

I've also been having strange sleeping patterns which may not help my mood. I've had few mornings where I've woken early with the alarm and then fallen back into a really deep sleep for about 2 further hours and slept through 2 seperate alarms and then take a good half hour or so to come round, and of course made myself late. I'd expect this if I were drinking but its most worrying and disapointing to have this happen when sober! I'm thinking of getting a check up at the docs.

I've just reread that post about stages of recovery and I MUST remember this and let myself just BE during these times. I'm trying to run before I walk.... nothing new there though!

Budgeting Blues

OK so here were my goals for last week:

Weekly goals:

1. Start to track of a full month of spending when I get my April salary to get a bigger picture and plan an ongoing monthly budget.
   
2. Put money away into various saving accounts when I get paid. Trying to keep as much as I can through the month and then saving it doesnt work! My need to be adjusted when i get a better picture of a full months expenses.
3. Plan menus on a weekly basis from what I have in stock and write a shopping list based on what we need. Shopping without a list is another big weakness of mine.
   
4. Cut down on smoking. This weeks money tracking has given me an honest view of how much I smoke. I know its on the 'to go' list but this early in sobriety I'm not doing too much at once.

Progress

1. Done - started a spreadsheet, well several spreadsheets, which is the problem. Budgeting spreadsheets are not my forte, I could NEVER be an accountant! But I think I've managed to produce something useful. One tracks my weekly spend, item by item and then I transfer the totals to a monthly one. Problem with this is I delete the weekly as I go and therefore lose track of out of the ordinary expenses. So I doubt I am doing this right, any suggestions?
2. Done of sorts - Set up accounts but managing cash is trickier. I have two purses now one for grocery/household and one for leisure etc but I keep spending from the wrong one so part way through the week I found writing down everything spent was better.
3. Hmm, not bad. Did a shop today but still found I was bulk buying on offers so it doesnt reflect a true week. So have decided to look at how the total monthly spend pans out. So far I'm well over budget for week one but things like petrol and some food items are bought for the whole month.
4. Didnt cut down - but tracked everything spent on cigarettes and its horrifying, I spent more on fags than food this week!! :-( I've bought some nicotine gum and am going to work towards cutting down and stopping. I am smoking over 30 a day!!! Given my track record with drinking, cutting down was never an option but I'll give it a go and monitor that this week.

Summary

I spend too much on non food stuff, I was shocked to find food was the least of my outgoings. I also smoke far too much. So this week was less working to a specified budget and more monitoring how much I spent on what. Apart from cigs, cans of pop and takeway food still figured highly after promising myself that would go down. I also spent on the nicotine gum and my herbal/vitamin supplements (2 months supply) which are part of my recovery plan, so at least that spend is towards my health. If I stop smoking and continue not to drink that expenditure can go too.

This weeks goals:

1. No takeaway food at all.
2. Cut down smoking by a measureable amount, hopefully half but at least 1/3 per day. Most of my smoking is habitual rather than a response to nicotine craving, I'm sure of that.
   
3. Continue to monitor spending. I'd like to monitor rather than budget for the whole of this month to get a true picture, with a view to working out a realistic manageable weekly budget for next month. My weekly estimate for this month is well under if these last 2 weeks are anything to go by.
   
4. Use the food I have in stock and only buy perishables as I need tham. I still throw out far too much unused food, left to go out of date :-(
   

Lessons learned??

I am trying to learn lessons from previous failed attempts at long term sobriety. Last time I had any length of time to speak of was 3 years ago when I stopped drinking for 3 months. I have been wracking my brains to figure out what went wrong, I think it was something very subtle.

I remember is my son was going to a party on bonfire night (Guy Fawkes is celebrated here!) and its something I used to go to with him but decided not to as it might be tempting to drink. Attending social events around drink was something I had not tackled yet. I had a fleeting feeling of 'missing out' but nothing major. I went to a fireworks display with my younger son, where there was no drink at all so no temptation, but bought wine on the way home and just thought I'd have a glass. Of course I had it all.

One of the only things I can think of is that since I had managed almost 3 months, there was something in me that thought 'if I've managed this I can easliy stop again'. And that was 3 years ago so this time round I have proved that isnt the case. Just before stopping this time I was really afraid that I had passed some point of no return. I think that experience has helped reinforce in me the fact that I cant ever drink normally, so hopefully that will help and I just do not want to risk repeating the last 3 years, or worse. But it is frightening that it just seems to creep up from no where.

The other thing I am bearing in mind is that several people seem to have reported drinking again, seemingly suddenly at the 3 monthish mark and theres an article (posted here somewhere) about that being a particular danger time in protracted physical withdrawal. So this time round I intend to be very wary at that point. Related article posted on LifeRing forum

Let me count the ways

Counting my sobriety time started off with a day count but has progressed to a variety of different milestone measures. As of today my milestones include:

• 37 days
• Five weekends (always been my most difficult times)
  
• Four full weeks
• One calendar month by date (26th)
• One calendar month by month (April)

Mad or what? Well in these early stages it gives me a series of minor victories. Hopefully as time goes on my micro milestones will less important and the targets larger, but for now it encourages me to see the time bulding up!

Thoughts at five weeks

This is just one of my notes to self, but any feedback would be appreciated. I was thinking today, 5 weeks into this that I feel as if I am not concentrating so much on 'not drinking'. Not that I am craving drink or anything, infact I've been really pleased that I've had no major cravings and one or two minor episodes. The thing I'm concerned about is my last long spell of success was 10 weeksish in toal and I seem to remember feeling the same then at a bout this stage, the focus on being/kjeeping sober subsided and I started to feel 'normal', thought I'd cracked it. Not so bad maybe, but 5 weeks later, last time I drank again. So it wasnt immediate, and I dont recall thinking at anytime I couldnt drink normally or anything, as far as I was concerened I approached life with a 'I dont drink' attitude. I suppose I took my eye off the ball. The exact reason I drank again did seem to have something to do with thinking I could drink normally again, but there didnt seem to be any thought process connected with that.

Now last time I didnt keep posting here or have any other grounding. I was quite heavily into the RR method and I think I took on board the concept that if one was going to make that lasting/final decision never to drink again, then why dwell on drinking..after all it wasnt something I was going to consider doing again. I think the counting days thing brought this up in my minds as I think the RR take on that is why count days when we have stopped for ever. The concept of thinking about possible relapse was thought to be pointless as it just wasnt going to happen. Or maybe I misinterpreted something all together?

Anyway I was just mulling over this and wondered if anyone had any similar feelings and how do we keep sobriety foremost in our minds when life in general starts feeling normal? Am I over simplifying this or over complicating it or an I just paranoid and mad??!!

Money makes the world go round

One of my first goals in sobriety is to get to grips with my spending. Never been good with money and though its caused me no real problems latelty (the past's another matter), I want to improve.

Drinking had a great impact on finances. Not only the cost of doing it but knock on effects like spending on takeaway food as I couldnt be bothered to cook. Not drinking has its own impact though, as there's nothing like going out shopping at the weekend when youre not hungover.

This last week I have written down every penny spent in a effort to see where my money goes. That in itself has helped greatly with impulse buying and so probably doesnt reflect my true recent habits. Its been difficult to get a true picture though as when I see offers like BOGOF on food items I use a lot I have to stock up. I probably need to spend one week just buying what we eat in the week. And there are other one off non food stuffs which arent regular spends. Anyway its a start.

The knock on effect from not drinking is that we have eaten less takeaway food and I am enjoying cooking more. Menu planning for the week would also help but I am starting by using what we have and going from there.

I have also started organising my money in the bank. My bank lets me open several online savings accounts that I can label for different things which helps seperate things and I've made a spreadsheet to keep track. So I now have accounts for long term savings, emergencies, car maintenance, bills and everyday expenses all in seperate accounts. I still have some credit to pay off but its not out of control so saving while doing that makes me feel I'm getting somewhere.

Saving money is new to me and I can see it becoming a new obsession but I suppose a valuable one. I love to log into my account and look at it!

Weekly goals:

• Start to track of a full month of spending when I get my April salary to get a bigger picture and plan an ongoing monthly budget.
• Put money away into various saving accounts when I get paid. Trying to keep as much as I can through the month and then saving it doesnt work! My need to be adjusted when i get a better picture of a full months expenses.
• Plan menus on a weekly basis from what I have in stock and write a shopping list based on what we need. Shopping without a list is another big weakness of mine.
  
• Cut down on smoking. This weeks money tracking has given me an honest view of how much I smoke. I know its on the 'to go' list but this early in sobriety I'm not doing too much at once.

Probably enough for this week!

Longer time, still no post

Well here I am again more than one year on. Not very much further forward but as of today I am 30 days sober.

I have decided to start my blog again but want to change how I approach it. Last time it was primarily a recovery blog, but I soon got caught up in the recovery Blogging social circle and found it distracted me (particularly when I wanted to be distracted) from my primary purpose. I spent more time Blog hopping than thinking about my own recovery and that became really time consuming.

This time I want to broaden it to other areas of my life which I need to work on, but are fundamentally connected to sobriety. I have been looking at stuff like how I handle money, how I spend my sober free time and generally organising my life. Things I didnt consider before. eg. I can be a spendthrift but being constantly hungover prevented even me from going out and spending! Now I am feeling better I feel I am rewarding myself by buying stuff, nothing exrtavagant and generally for my house and everyones benefit etc but I know I need to keep track of that. Delayed gratification was never something I was good at.

I want to work out a budget and learn how to handle my money better. Healthy eating is on the list as is giving up smoking and doing more, no some, excercise. I didnt really find it helpful to keep psting about how long I was sober and how hard it was etc. I want to grow and look back to see how I have grown and recognise what works and what doesnt.

There endeth my first post in a year!

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