Thoughts at seven weeks

Well its seven weeks today and tomorrow is Day 50!

I cant believe I am here already. Seven weeks ago this point seemed unachievable, which is why I kept putting it off I guess. It has seemed that way for the last 3 years since I was last at this stage and all it took was one simple act .... to stop drinking! It wasnt half as difficult or as the anticipation of it was.

In the last week or so my mood seems to be up and down and I need to keep watch over that as it was about this time in my last longish sober spell, that I stopped thinking about it and three weeks later I was drinking. I keep telling myself I dont want to go back there, so I suppose I am thinking about it on one level. But I feel a sort of 'emotional limbo' a lot of the time with a few feelings of unexplained episodes of anger thrown in and could see it would be easy to drift back to the 'I can drink normally, I'll have a couple to unwind' kind of thoughts. I've had no major cravings, but then I didn't last time, it seemed as if one day I just drank. I am sure it didnt happen like that but thats how it seemed. So I'm keeping my guard up and am trying to monitor how I feel and keep posting here. I still appreciate feeling better but am still overcome with periods of unexplained tiredness so that benefit isn't constant. However, I still havent cracked the relaxation so no wonder I'm tired. I keep going from the time I get up until way past the time I should be asleep .... like now! Something to work on next I think.

My frugality (is that a word??) isn't getting much better, but I am keeping track of spending religiously. I think one of the reasons I am giving myself a hard time about still smoking is the amount of money I am spending. When I work it out, I was spending less on drink that cigs, but given I was doing both back then I must be better off!

One thing I am trying to stop doing is giving myself a hard time for spending money on me. When I was drinking I spent as little as possible on myself out of guilt. A lot of cheap and second hand clothes. While there is nothing wrong with that I do think its good to treat myself to a few good quality staple items for my wardrobe. It makes me feel better to wear nice things. I spent too much on the kids, probably out of guilt too. I am now trying to turn that around. I work very hard and keep this house going single handedly, so I have spent some money on clothes and my passion of shoes. While I dont want to replace the drinking addiction with spending, I have decided I need to be better to myself and the kids need to do more to earn their lot! That lesson is a hard one to turn on its head, they're used to getting too much of what they want in return for very little and boy, its not going down well! Anyway, through this I'm trying to build a healthy balance to make myself feel more valued by me, and its boosting my moral! I am not really a materialistic person, but a few indulgences wont hurt!

My budgeting is still a nightmare but I am spending a lot of time and energy studying it! At least I have an acurate recoed of spending and its hleping me budget better for next month. For example I spent quiote a lot in the first 2 weeks of the month which panicked me. But this week I'm spending a lot less and I think it will even out so I can calculate an average and the best way to do a weekly / montly budget. For example I am finding it doesnt work budgeting clothes and car expenses on a weekly basis, so I have created seperate savings accounts for them and a few unexpected expenses have cropped up for which I think I need an emergency stash for one offs.

It isnt perfect and my budget has a long way to go but I think overall I've had a productive month getting things in place. I have also listed quite a few thigs on Ebay and to my astonishment have sold 3 things already and my other listings are being watched by a few people! This could turn into a new hobby! I am looking forward to the weekend when I can watch the countdown to the bids ending. I could see this being a profitable alternative to gambling!! It might also pay for the shoes I bought at the weekend!!

So all in all I am trying to stop giving myself grief for not doing well enough, (ingrained from youth. but thats another story) and for not doing it all at once. As of today I am 7 weeks sober, I am working on improving my finances and cutting down smoking with a view to stopping. Not bad for 2 months efforts!!

Over all there is a sense of order returning to my life. I am effortlessly (well almost!) getting everyday chores done .... well everyday. Things like washing clothes and dishes and cooking regular meals instead of takeaways. This has taken to whole 7 weeks to manifest itself however, the changes have been slow, a lot slower than the last long spell of sobriety, but I can see them clearly now.

Budgeting Blues

OK so here were my goals for last week:

Weekly goals:

1. Start to track of a full month of spending when I get my April salary to get a bigger picture and plan an ongoing monthly budget.
   
2. Put money away into various saving accounts when I get paid. Trying to keep as much as I can through the month and then saving it doesnt work! My need to be adjusted when i get a better picture of a full months expenses.
3. Plan menus on a weekly basis from what I have in stock and write a shopping list based on what we need. Shopping without a list is another big weakness of mine.
   
4. Cut down on smoking. This weeks money tracking has given me an honest view of how much I smoke. I know its on the 'to go' list but this early in sobriety I'm not doing too much at once.

Progress

1. Done - started a spreadsheet, well several spreadsheets, which is the problem. Budgeting spreadsheets are not my forte, I could NEVER be an accountant! But I think I've managed to produce something useful. One tracks my weekly spend, item by item and then I transfer the totals to a monthly one. Problem with this is I delete the weekly as I go and therefore lose track of out of the ordinary expenses. So I doubt I am doing this right, any suggestions?
2. Done of sorts - Set up accounts but managing cash is trickier. I have two purses now one for grocery/household and one for leisure etc but I keep spending from the wrong one so part way through the week I found writing down everything spent was better.
3. Hmm, not bad. Did a shop today but still found I was bulk buying on offers so it doesnt reflect a true week. So have decided to look at how the total monthly spend pans out. So far I'm well over budget for week one but things like petrol and some food items are bought for the whole month.
4. Didnt cut down - but tracked everything spent on cigarettes and its horrifying, I spent more on fags than food this week!! :-( I've bought some nicotine gum and am going to work towards cutting down and stopping. I am smoking over 30 a day!!! Given my track record with drinking, cutting down was never an option but I'll give it a go and monitor that this week.

Summary

I spend too much on non food stuff, I was shocked to find food was the least of my outgoings. I also smoke far too much. So this week was less working to a specified budget and more monitoring how much I spent on what. Apart from cigs, cans of pop and takeway food still figured highly after promising myself that would go down. I also spent on the nicotine gum and my herbal/vitamin supplements (2 months supply) which are part of my recovery plan, so at least that spend is towards my health. If I stop smoking and continue not to drink that expenditure can go too.

This weeks goals:

1. No takeaway food at all.
2. Cut down smoking by a measureable amount, hopefully half but at least 1/3 per day. Most of my smoking is habitual rather than a response to nicotine craving, I'm sure of that.
   
3. Continue to monitor spending. I'd like to monitor rather than budget for the whole of this month to get a true picture, with a view to working out a realistic manageable weekly budget for next month. My weekly estimate for this month is well under if these last 2 weeks are anything to go by.
   
4. Use the food I have in stock and only buy perishables as I need tham. I still throw out far too much unused food, left to go out of date :-(
   

Money makes the world go round

One of my first goals in sobriety is to get to grips with my spending. Never been good with money and though its caused me no real problems latelty (the past's another matter), I want to improve.

Drinking had a great impact on finances. Not only the cost of doing it but knock on effects like spending on takeaway food as I couldnt be bothered to cook. Not drinking has its own impact though, as there's nothing like going out shopping at the weekend when youre not hungover.

This last week I have written down every penny spent in a effort to see where my money goes. That in itself has helped greatly with impulse buying and so probably doesnt reflect my true recent habits. Its been difficult to get a true picture though as when I see offers like BOGOF on food items I use a lot I have to stock up. I probably need to spend one week just buying what we eat in the week. And there are other one off non food stuffs which arent regular spends. Anyway its a start.

The knock on effect from not drinking is that we have eaten less takeaway food and I am enjoying cooking more. Menu planning for the week would also help but I am starting by using what we have and going from there.

I have also started organising my money in the bank. My bank lets me open several online savings accounts that I can label for different things which helps seperate things and I've made a spreadsheet to keep track. So I now have accounts for long term savings, emergencies, car maintenance, bills and everyday expenses all in seperate accounts. I still have some credit to pay off but its not out of control so saving while doing that makes me feel I'm getting somewhere.

Saving money is new to me and I can see it becoming a new obsession but I suppose a valuable one. I love to log into my account and look at it!

Weekly goals:

• Start to track of a full month of spending when I get my April salary to get a bigger picture and plan an ongoing monthly budget.
• Put money away into various saving accounts when I get paid. Trying to keep as much as I can through the month and then saving it doesnt work! My need to be adjusted when i get a better picture of a full months expenses.
• Plan menus on a weekly basis from what I have in stock and write a shopping list based on what we need. Shopping without a list is another big weakness of mine.
  
• Cut down on smoking. This weeks money tracking has given me an honest view of how much I smoke. I know its on the 'to go' list but this early in sobriety I'm not doing too much at once.

Probably enough for this week!