Thoughts at ten weeks

My first thought at ten weeks is I missed posting my thoughts at weeks eight and nine! Shame on me, I've been really busy and blogging has suffered again :-(

In some ways that may be good, sober days are floating by and turning into weeks without my noticing. However, I also know that at around this time on my last longest spell of sobriety, I stopped counting and reflecting on my progress and quite quickly started drinking again. So, hmm, I'm not going there again!

All in all its going well though. Weekends have always been my most difficult times and I've had 2 very strong craving experiences, both at weekends, but 2 out of 10 isnt half bad. One very useful tool I used at those times was described by someone as 'looking past the first drink', and that feels like an extremely poweful tool. When the first thoughts / cravings descended, I immediately forced myself to think of the consequences. The fact that the 'warm glow' doesnt last, the depression sets in, the headaches and sick feeling, the dry retching, the self disgust, days off work, the guilt and the futility. Forcing myself to reach that end point mentally before I had even drank a drop helped me stop. I've been round that cycle of thinking it would be different too many times and I know the next time would be the same. I need to develop that tool. I also feel more removed from the emotional attachment to drink, ie. it doesnt feel like a crutch that would offre any support anymore. Not that it did provide any real support, but the addictive voice sure convinced me at times.

I have also had one or two tough family issues to deal with, sober. Thats felt very strange and scary, but I have learned that it is manageable and the absence of those usual guilt (ie. 'this wouldnt have happened if I didnt drink') type of thoughts, hs helped enormously. It taught me that shit still happens though, so not drinking isnt the end of the problems, but I feel stronger dealing with them sober. I was even complimented on handling a tough situation well yesterday and that felt good to know I had managed that sober.

Life is slowly starting to feel 'normal', normal ups and downs and problems, but not extremes. It feels like its levelling out, or at least I am! Of course theres a boring element to that, but maybe I'm just old enough to appreciate boredom and leave the crazy stuff behind. Sleep is one thing that isnt returning to normal as quickly. I still stay up too late and feel tired in the morning and dont feel comfortable going off to bed. I've heard it can vary how long that takes though and am willing to see that through.

So from here on in its new territory and that feels exciting. But I know I need to keep my eye on the ball to keep going. Last time I got to this point thinking I was a normal non drinker, and somewhere from there the idea emerged that I could be a normal drinker developed. I know now that is not possible and just the addictive voice finding a way in.

So I have to end with a summary of milestones!! Today marks from 26th March:

• 70 days
• 10 full weeks
• 10 weekends
• Two calendar months by date (26th)
• Two calendar months by month (April and May)
• One season (Spring - March - May) Sort of, not the whole of March!!!

The last milestone might be odd, but it feels very significant that the last time I drank it was before the Spring was really here, it felt cold, Wintery and most importantly - a pretty long time ago!! Anything that serves to mark distance between me and my last drink helps!