Tagged by Lushgurl

OK I got tagged, so here goes. Seven songs I like, not listening to all right now but just dredged up a few from under the surface of my memories! A bit of a mix of old and new, popular and probably unheard of! A weird taste in music for a weird mind!

1. Run - Snow Patrol
2. The Night - Franki Valli & the 4 Seasons
3. She Moves in Her Own Way - The Kooks
4. Living in the Past - Jethro Tull
5. Heart of Gold - Neil Young
6. Crash - Dave Matthews Band
7. Walking in Memphis - Marc Cohn

OK and now I need to tag 7 more. Its hard to see who hasnt been tagged with this one but I'll go for AAWakenings, Jedi Michael, Lounge Daddy, Spencer, Its a Girl Thing, Perfect Virgo and Second Surrender.

You're tagged guys and gals!

Still going...

Well, although I haven't posted all week, I'm still going! I've been busy but tried really hard to start to address some of the issues in my list.

On a daily basis I am trying to create specific, manageable goals and keep to them. I've tried to stop aimless surfing on the net as I was spending too many hours in front of this monitor. The better weather has improved my mood and this weekend I found myself making a start spring cleaning and looking forward to getting my house straightened out. I hate chaos but had allowed myself to let the place around me become messy and dishes were piling up etc. So my aim is to clear the kitchen at least every night. Keeping a tight routine is good when I work so much, messy surroundings depress me. I even put some thought ionto decorating the place over the summer.

I managed to get a bit of quality time with all of my kids, which turned out to be coincidental but gave me a chance to tell them how I thought things were drifting apart with us and I suggested us trying to eat together at least one night a week. This seemed to go down OK and I think they appreciated the thought. My cleaning activities this weekend (as opposed to lounging around hungover) also seemed to make a difference to them. It did to me at least!

I rang a friend who I haven't seen for ages and am going to try to keep that a regular thing. Isolation has become a way of life over recent times and that isn't healthy. I find it too easy, so I am making an effort in that direction. I enjoyed the chat!

I'm exploring some recovery stuff, doing some reading. I know AA works wonders for some but I still feel its not for me, I'm not going to dismiss it and I love my AA friends here but I feel there are other ways and want to explore more. I had a most success in the past with Rational Recovery so want to revisit that and am exploring a solution focused approach. So I'm reading and thinking and working hard at it.

Physically, I could feel better, still tired but am working hard but am trying to keep a balance and relax as much as I can. I'm trying to walk a bit every day, nothing too strenuous but its something for me!

So that my week, progress I hope!

Second day musings

I've spent ALL day on here reading recovery stuff, which I at first thought was either a waste of time or a clear case of navel gazing. However, a few things have fallen into place thanks to stuff I've picked up from comments and other peoples blogs. I'm just going to list them as they come to mind now and filter through them later:

1. I have real difficulty sorting out the things I can and cannot change. There are some things in my life which are in my power to change, which are really getting me down. And that's not only drinking it the way other people treat me, mainly my kids walking all over me. Mostly my fault for inconsistent parenting while drinking.
   
2. I'm getting really rattled internally by small things that people do. A sign that I am doing too much and under pressure. But some of these thoughts may also be based on me rightly standing my ground in some situations, for once and feeling uncomfortable and uncertain with that.
3. I need to build my self esteem and confidence which has taken a battering in recent years. Maybe as I've not been in a relationship and I've always fed my self worth from others....very unhealthy, I know, but a hard habit to break and replace.
   
4. I'm hanging on to one or two resentments from the past which are long overdue for letting go. I am the only one getting chewed up by these, I have no contact with the individuals involved.
5. I need to get some routine back in my life and stick to it.
6. I need to leave work at work and build a better home life, this is also linked with the previous item and possibly #1.
7. I want to explore my spiritual side, something that used to be important to me but which I cast aside a while ago. Not sure what direction this will take.
8. A consistent support system. As Scott mentioned in my last comments, I've struggled with 'getting' AA, possibly to do with my last point but also practical problems about attending regularly. I blog when I'm struggling, then let it slip and take my eye off the ball when all is going well. Bad news for me and the kind people who show support, where am I when you need me? :-( I've dabbled in other recovery routes but not stuck to anything through the good times.
9. I need to lower my expectations of myself and accept I'm not Superwoman. I don't do too bad a job under relatively difficult circumstances.

OK, not a bad list for a start, but making sure I address these is the hard part! So today was useful but I must make a note to self not to do it like this again. Thanks to my blogging community for the inspiration. Now to try to get some sleep.

Back to square one....again

Looking at the title of this post makes me feel sick. How many times have I been there and how many more times will I say that? I want to thank all of you who have continued to call by and ask after me. I can honestly say there is no one in my 'real world' who does that. OK that's the self pity out of the way! It means a lot to see the 'You've got comments' email land in the inbox, thankyou :-)

I know what caused this last relapse. A career change which I've wanted for a long time, but it has upped the pressure and I'm not sure I can cope with that. Mainly due to insecurities around the 'am I good enough' stuff. Self doubt. So as usual, I cope on the surface and then retreat into the bottle. Another factor was a family issue which causes me grief because I feel I should be able to cope better than I do. I cope better than some in this situation but I often underestimate just how tough it is and fail to give myself even a little credit for doing an OK job.

One thing I know, and maybe its the only thing I know at the moment, is drinking doesn't help either of these situations, but did I really need to try it out one more time? Just to convince myself? I sometimes wish I had someone there to say 'You're doing OK Grace', but fail to see why I cant do that for myself, after all I'm a big girl now, supposedly. Lack of self respect and confidence I guess, but what's new, I've worked that one out many times before aswell.

So what can I do now? Work on finding a way to cope with this stuff in a healthy way. I really don't need to prove that drinking just makes it all worse.....again.

That's enough for now, I don't like blogging when I'm feeling sorry for myself and this post id heading ion that direction, so I'm off to catch up on you all. Thanks for being here folks :-)