Thoughts at ten weeks

My first thought at ten weeks is I missed posting my thoughts at weeks eight and nine! Shame on me, I've been really busy and blogging has suffered again :-(

In some ways that may be good, sober days are floating by and turning into weeks without my noticing. However, I also know that at around this time on my last longest spell of sobriety, I stopped counting and reflecting on my progress and quite quickly started drinking again. So, hmm, I'm not going there again!

All in all its going well though. Weekends have always been my most difficult times and I've had 2 very strong craving experiences, both at weekends, but 2 out of 10 isnt half bad. One very useful tool I used at those times was described by someone as 'looking past the first drink', and that feels like an extremely poweful tool. When the first thoughts / cravings descended, I immediately forced myself to think of the consequences. The fact that the 'warm glow' doesnt last, the depression sets in, the headaches and sick feeling, the dry retching, the self disgust, days off work, the guilt and the futility. Forcing myself to reach that end point mentally before I had even drank a drop helped me stop. I've been round that cycle of thinking it would be different too many times and I know the next time would be the same. I need to develop that tool. I also feel more removed from the emotional attachment to drink, ie. it doesnt feel like a crutch that would offre any support anymore. Not that it did provide any real support, but the addictive voice sure convinced me at times.

I have also had one or two tough family issues to deal with, sober. Thats felt very strange and scary, but I have learned that it is manageable and the absence of those usual guilt (ie. 'this wouldnt have happened if I didnt drink') type of thoughts, hs helped enormously. It taught me that shit still happens though, so not drinking isnt the end of the problems, but I feel stronger dealing with them sober. I was even complimented on handling a tough situation well yesterday and that felt good to know I had managed that sober.

Life is slowly starting to feel 'normal', normal ups and downs and problems, but not extremes. It feels like its levelling out, or at least I am! Of course theres a boring element to that, but maybe I'm just old enough to appreciate boredom and leave the crazy stuff behind. Sleep is one thing that isnt returning to normal as quickly. I still stay up too late and feel tired in the morning and dont feel comfortable going off to bed. I've heard it can vary how long that takes though and am willing to see that through.

So from here on in its new territory and that feels exciting. But I know I need to keep my eye on the ball to keep going. Last time I got to this point thinking I was a normal non drinker, and somewhere from there the idea emerged that I could be a normal drinker developed. I know now that is not possible and just the addictive voice finding a way in.

So I have to end with a summary of milestones!! Today marks from 26th March:

• 70 days
• 10 full weeks
• 10 weekends
• Two calendar months by date (26th)
• Two calendar months by month (April and May)
• One season (Spring - March - May) Sort of, not the whole of March!!!

The last milestone might be odd, but it feels very significant that the last time I drank it was before the Spring was really here, it felt cold, Wintery and most importantly - a pretty long time ago!! Anything that serves to mark distance between me and my last drink helps!

Thoughts at seven weeks

Well its seven weeks today and tomorrow is Day 50!

I cant believe I am here already. Seven weeks ago this point seemed unachievable, which is why I kept putting it off I guess. It has seemed that way for the last 3 years since I was last at this stage and all it took was one simple act .... to stop drinking! It wasnt half as difficult or as the anticipation of it was.

In the last week or so my mood seems to be up and down and I need to keep watch over that as it was about this time in my last longish sober spell, that I stopped thinking about it and three weeks later I was drinking. I keep telling myself I dont want to go back there, so I suppose I am thinking about it on one level. But I feel a sort of 'emotional limbo' a lot of the time with a few feelings of unexplained episodes of anger thrown in and could see it would be easy to drift back to the 'I can drink normally, I'll have a couple to unwind' kind of thoughts. I've had no major cravings, but then I didn't last time, it seemed as if one day I just drank. I am sure it didnt happen like that but thats how it seemed. So I'm keeping my guard up and am trying to monitor how I feel and keep posting here. I still appreciate feeling better but am still overcome with periods of unexplained tiredness so that benefit isn't constant. However, I still havent cracked the relaxation so no wonder I'm tired. I keep going from the time I get up until way past the time I should be asleep .... like now! Something to work on next I think.

My frugality (is that a word??) isn't getting much better, but I am keeping track of spending religiously. I think one of the reasons I am giving myself a hard time about still smoking is the amount of money I am spending. When I work it out, I was spending less on drink that cigs, but given I was doing both back then I must be better off!

One thing I am trying to stop doing is giving myself a hard time for spending money on me. When I was drinking I spent as little as possible on myself out of guilt. A lot of cheap and second hand clothes. While there is nothing wrong with that I do think its good to treat myself to a few good quality staple items for my wardrobe. It makes me feel better to wear nice things. I spent too much on the kids, probably out of guilt too. I am now trying to turn that around. I work very hard and keep this house going single handedly, so I have spent some money on clothes and my passion of shoes. While I dont want to replace the drinking addiction with spending, I have decided I need to be better to myself and the kids need to do more to earn their lot! That lesson is a hard one to turn on its head, they're used to getting too much of what they want in return for very little and boy, its not going down well! Anyway, through this I'm trying to build a healthy balance to make myself feel more valued by me, and its boosting my moral! I am not really a materialistic person, but a few indulgences wont hurt!

My budgeting is still a nightmare but I am spending a lot of time and energy studying it! At least I have an acurate recoed of spending and its hleping me budget better for next month. For example I spent quiote a lot in the first 2 weeks of the month which panicked me. But this week I'm spending a lot less and I think it will even out so I can calculate an average and the best way to do a weekly / montly budget. For example I am finding it doesnt work budgeting clothes and car expenses on a weekly basis, so I have created seperate savings accounts for them and a few unexpected expenses have cropped up for which I think I need an emergency stash for one offs.

It isnt perfect and my budget has a long way to go but I think overall I've had a productive month getting things in place. I have also listed quite a few thigs on Ebay and to my astonishment have sold 3 things already and my other listings are being watched by a few people! This could turn into a new hobby! I am looking forward to the weekend when I can watch the countdown to the bids ending. I could see this being a profitable alternative to gambling!! It might also pay for the shoes I bought at the weekend!!

So all in all I am trying to stop giving myself grief for not doing well enough, (ingrained from youth. but thats another story) and for not doing it all at once. As of today I am 7 weeks sober, I am working on improving my finances and cutting down smoking with a view to stopping. Not bad for 2 months efforts!!

Over all there is a sense of order returning to my life. I am effortlessly (well almost!) getting everyday chores done .... well everyday. Things like washing clothes and dishes and cooking regular meals instead of takeaways. This has taken to whole 7 weeks to manifest itself however, the changes have been slow, a lot slower than the last long spell of sobriety, but I can see them clearly now.

Thoughts at six weeks

Well Day 42 day so that makes 6 weeks I guess. Thing is I'm feeling a bit flat and less than celebratory about it. Maybe its just the way I am just now and I am settling down and taking it for granted, the honeymoon period might be over, which is OK as long as it doesnt spell danger. I must be vigilent of danger!! Maybe it a phase of the prolonged physical withdrawal?

But another thing and I think the main reason is that I'm giving myself a really hard time about still smoking! I feel I should be giving up and am a bit daunted to tackle this so soon in one way and disapointed in myself for finding it so hard when I've done so well with the drink! Am I just mad or is it just some alcoholic need to beat oneself up for something!?? I've been monitoring my smoking over the last two weeks and I thought it would reduce naturally when not drinking but its still over a pack a day, so maybe I was just smoking even more when I was drinking, I guess that was probably the case. However I thinks its going to be an entirely different beast to conquer, harder in many ways. But I reckon if I can apply the same thought power I might do it. Maybe I should just stop beating myself up and relax!

Reading the leaflet from the nicotine gum I bought which says to either choose a date and stop or cut down for a defined period of a month to 6 weeks then stop. While I know cutting down never worked with drink, I think the mechanics of the addiction are different with tobacco, for me at least, so I think I will spend a month cutting down by making rules like no smoking in the car etc and then set a quit date. Its crazy as when I'm at work I can go for 8 hours just using the gum and but as soon as I'm out I chain smoke. So anyway, looks like I'm heading for 1st June as a possible smoking quit date.

I've also been having strange sleeping patterns which may not help my mood. I've had few mornings where I've woken early with the alarm and then fallen back into a really deep sleep for about 2 further hours and slept through 2 seperate alarms and then take a good half hour or so to come round, and of course made myself late. I'd expect this if I were drinking but its most worrying and disapointing to have this happen when sober! I'm thinking of getting a check up at the docs.

I've just reread that post about stages of recovery and I MUST remember this and let myself just BE during these times. I'm trying to run before I walk.... nothing new there though!

Let me count the ways

Counting my sobriety time started off with a day count but has progressed to a variety of different milestone measures. As of today my milestones include:

• 37 days
• Five weekends (always been my most difficult times)
  
• Four full weeks
• One calendar month by date (26th)
• One calendar month by month (April)

Mad or what? Well in these early stages it gives me a series of minor victories. Hopefully as time goes on my micro milestones will less important and the targets larger, but for now it encourages me to see the time bulding up!

Thoughts at five weeks

This is just one of my notes to self, but any feedback would be appreciated. I was thinking today, 5 weeks into this that I feel as if I am not concentrating so much on 'not drinking'. Not that I am craving drink or anything, infact I've been really pleased that I've had no major cravings and one or two minor episodes. The thing I'm concerned about is my last long spell of success was 10 weeksish in toal and I seem to remember feeling the same then at a bout this stage, the focus on being/kjeeping sober subsided and I started to feel 'normal', thought I'd cracked it. Not so bad maybe, but 5 weeks later, last time I drank again. So it wasnt immediate, and I dont recall thinking at anytime I couldnt drink normally or anything, as far as I was concerened I approached life with a 'I dont drink' attitude. I suppose I took my eye off the ball. The exact reason I drank again did seem to have something to do with thinking I could drink normally again, but there didnt seem to be any thought process connected with that.

Now last time I didnt keep posting here or have any other grounding. I was quite heavily into the RR method and I think I took on board the concept that if one was going to make that lasting/final decision never to drink again, then why dwell on drinking..after all it wasnt something I was going to consider doing again. I think the counting days thing brought this up in my minds as I think the RR take on that is why count days when we have stopped for ever. The concept of thinking about possible relapse was thought to be pointless as it just wasnt going to happen. Or maybe I misinterpreted something all together?

Anyway I was just mulling over this and wondered if anyone had any similar feelings and how do we keep sobriety foremost in our minds when life in general starts feeling normal? Am I over simplifying this or over complicating it or an I just paranoid and mad??!!