Long time, no post...

..but I appreciate everyone still calling in. I have visited you as well, though not always commented. I'm OK but have had a rough few weeks, particularly the last two.

Over Easter weekend I bottomed out drink wise, one of the worst times I've had, really bad stuff. I drank a little during the following week but last weekend something happened that made me think I'd been rumbled. Not by anyone close, but by a group of 'associates', people who don't know me at all well. A few things were said that made me go cold and I thought 'They know'. After the fact, I'm not sure if they do or not or if my paranoia read more into the situation, but one thing for sure is it terrified me. The thought of strangers seeing through me. In true alcoholic style I managed to cover my tracks quite spectacularly, even convinced myself. Deep down I could see the pattern and the fact I was trying to cover my drinking tracks and promised myself I would never be in this situation again. For many reasons, mainly family but for once I wanted to protect my own dignity in the future, maybe a little self worth creeping in? It was one of those situations where, whoever I thought I was fooling, there was no fooling myself. When it comes to honestly it has to start in your own heart.

Anyway, earlier this week I bottomed out in a different way, an emotional breakdown. I cried, for probably the first time in years, real sobs and tears, the lot and felt a whole load of things come to the surface. It's something that was probably well overdue to happen, I've really not cried for a very long time. Felt like it and tried to on many occasions but the floodgates seemed to be shut tight. I was also sober when this happened. But one thing I learned was, it wasn't all that bad and infact it was probably a good thing. Afterwards I felt like a cloud had lifted and it was a feeling of relief.

So if I've been drinking to avoid these emotions, I was just suppressing them and this stuff is better faced in small measures. And since then I honestly haven't thought about drinking. I want and hope to keep this emotional channel open. I think its healthy and something I've lost touch with for too long.

So my counter is reset, for what that's worth and I'm determined that the way is up from here. I know I have to move somewhere and down is not an option. It has been a tough time but if I have learned as much as I think then it's been worth it.