Tagged by Lushgurl

OK I got tagged, so here goes. Seven songs I like, not listening to all right now but just dredged up a few from under the surface of my memories! A bit of a mix of old and new, popular and probably unheard of! A weird taste in music for a weird mind!

1. Run - Snow Patrol
2. The Night - Franki Valli & the 4 Seasons
3. She Moves in Her Own Way - The Kooks
4. Living in the Past - Jethro Tull
5. Heart of Gold - Neil Young
6. Crash - Dave Matthews Band
7. Walking in Memphis - Marc Cohn

OK and now I need to tag 7 more. Its hard to see who hasnt been tagged with this one but I'll go for AAWakenings, Jedi Michael, Lounge Daddy, Spencer, Its a Girl Thing, Perfect Virgo and Second Surrender.

You're tagged guys and gals!

Still going...

Well, although I haven't posted all week, I'm still going! I've been busy but tried really hard to start to address some of the issues in my list.

On a daily basis I am trying to create specific, manageable goals and keep to them. I've tried to stop aimless surfing on the net as I was spending too many hours in front of this monitor. The better weather has improved my mood and this weekend I found myself making a start spring cleaning and looking forward to getting my house straightened out. I hate chaos but had allowed myself to let the place around me become messy and dishes were piling up etc. So my aim is to clear the kitchen at least every night. Keeping a tight routine is good when I work so much, messy surroundings depress me. I even put some thought ionto decorating the place over the summer.

I managed to get a bit of quality time with all of my kids, which turned out to be coincidental but gave me a chance to tell them how I thought things were drifting apart with us and I suggested us trying to eat together at least one night a week. This seemed to go down OK and I think they appreciated the thought. My cleaning activities this weekend (as opposed to lounging around hungover) also seemed to make a difference to them. It did to me at least!

I rang a friend who I haven't seen for ages and am going to try to keep that a regular thing. Isolation has become a way of life over recent times and that isn't healthy. I find it too easy, so I am making an effort in that direction. I enjoyed the chat!

I'm exploring some recovery stuff, doing some reading. I know AA works wonders for some but I still feel its not for me, I'm not going to dismiss it and I love my AA friends here but I feel there are other ways and want to explore more. I had a most success in the past with Rational Recovery so want to revisit that and am exploring a solution focused approach. So I'm reading and thinking and working hard at it.

Physically, I could feel better, still tired but am working hard but am trying to keep a balance and relax as much as I can. I'm trying to walk a bit every day, nothing too strenuous but its something for me!

So that my week, progress I hope!

Second day musings

I've spent ALL day on here reading recovery stuff, which I at first thought was either a waste of time or a clear case of navel gazing. However, a few things have fallen into place thanks to stuff I've picked up from comments and other peoples blogs. I'm just going to list them as they come to mind now and filter through them later:

1. I have real difficulty sorting out the things I can and cannot change. There are some things in my life which are in my power to change, which are really getting me down. And that's not only drinking it the way other people treat me, mainly my kids walking all over me. Mostly my fault for inconsistent parenting while drinking.
   
2. I'm getting really rattled internally by small things that people do. A sign that I am doing too much and under pressure. But some of these thoughts may also be based on me rightly standing my ground in some situations, for once and feeling uncomfortable and uncertain with that.
3. I need to build my self esteem and confidence which has taken a battering in recent years. Maybe as I've not been in a relationship and I've always fed my self worth from others....very unhealthy, I know, but a hard habit to break and replace.
   
4. I'm hanging on to one or two resentments from the past which are long overdue for letting go. I am the only one getting chewed up by these, I have no contact with the individuals involved.
5. I need to get some routine back in my life and stick to it.
6. I need to leave work at work and build a better home life, this is also linked with the previous item and possibly #1.
7. I want to explore my spiritual side, something that used to be important to me but which I cast aside a while ago. Not sure what direction this will take.
8. A consistent support system. As Scott mentioned in my last comments, I've struggled with 'getting' AA, possibly to do with my last point but also practical problems about attending regularly. I blog when I'm struggling, then let it slip and take my eye off the ball when all is going well. Bad news for me and the kind people who show support, where am I when you need me? :-( I've dabbled in other recovery routes but not stuck to anything through the good times.
9. I need to lower my expectations of myself and accept I'm not Superwoman. I don't do too bad a job under relatively difficult circumstances.

OK, not a bad list for a start, but making sure I address these is the hard part! So today was useful but I must make a note to self not to do it like this again. Thanks to my blogging community for the inspiration. Now to try to get some sleep.

Back to square one....again

Looking at the title of this post makes me feel sick. How many times have I been there and how many more times will I say that? I want to thank all of you who have continued to call by and ask after me. I can honestly say there is no one in my 'real world' who does that. OK that's the self pity out of the way! It means a lot to see the 'You've got comments' email land in the inbox, thankyou :-)

I know what caused this last relapse. A career change which I've wanted for a long time, but it has upped the pressure and I'm not sure I can cope with that. Mainly due to insecurities around the 'am I good enough' stuff. Self doubt. So as usual, I cope on the surface and then retreat into the bottle. Another factor was a family issue which causes me grief because I feel I should be able to cope better than I do. I cope better than some in this situation but I often underestimate just how tough it is and fail to give myself even a little credit for doing an OK job.

One thing I know, and maybe its the only thing I know at the moment, is drinking doesn't help either of these situations, but did I really need to try it out one more time? Just to convince myself? I sometimes wish I had someone there to say 'You're doing OK Grace', but fail to see why I cant do that for myself, after all I'm a big girl now, supposedly. Lack of self respect and confidence I guess, but what's new, I've worked that one out many times before aswell.

So what can I do now? Work on finding a way to cope with this stuff in a healthy way. I really don't need to prove that drinking just makes it all worse.....again.

That's enough for now, I don't like blogging when I'm feeling sorry for myself and this post id heading ion that direction, so I'm off to catch up on you all. Thanks for being here folks :-)

Still going, but not so strong

Well, I've passed my first month mark but the honeymoon period seems to be closing.

I am starting to struggle, not with wanting to be sober, just with being sober. I suppose I am now starting to come across situations which would normally have sent me into the bottle and finding other ways to deal with those emotions is hard. Its just life I suppose, nothing too traumatic, just ups and downs, normal stuff. It shocks me to realise how much of a wimp I've been not facing this stuff head on.

Another big factor I have recognised it loneliness. I have loads of good stuff in my life right now, for which I am really grateful, but miss having a special someone to share it with. This has been a biggy for me for some time as its about 4 years since I've been in a relationship. Back then, I was determined to 'sort myself out' before sharing my life with a partner, but maybe that just never happens! An now I'm so far removed from the 'dating thing' that I wouldn't know where to start and considering I'm getting on for 50, I sometimes wonder if that boat has passed me by for good. I have no social life as such so the opportunity to meet someone just doesn't happen. So my life revolves around work and kids and as the kids get older and have their own lives I become more isolated.

I suppose that's another facet of sober life, getting involved in sober social circles. I have avoided the few opportunities I have had as they all involve drinking and that's not something I feel comfortable being around just yet. I'm not feeling sorry for myself as such (well maybe I am!) its just something that's hit me in the face this week.

Ho hum, well anyway, whatever happens, sobriety comes first just now. So there I am sober but feeling a bit maudlin today. Never mind, tomorrows another day!

A Post for Castor

When I first returned to blogging recently, I discovered that my old blogging friend Castor has passed away last year when I read the comments on this post.

Castor was a talented artist in Vienna and from my knowledge of him in the blogging world, he was a lovely and gentle man. He painted the profile image I have been using and posted it on his blog for me some time ago as I had used a poppy image before that. The painting is called 'The Other Death'.

At first I wanted to leave the image in my profile but I am now finding it making me feel very sad each time I see it. So I have decided to create this post in Castors memory and say farewell to him here. I can always look back and link to his blog so long as it is there. And I have given the blog a new colour scheme and profile image of a snowdrop while I wait for spring to arrive!

Farewell Castor, sleep well xxx

Day 21 - Three weeks

Well, the last three weeks have flown by and so far its still so good. I'm getting busier and busier though and still find it really hard to slow down a bit, but at least I'm aware of that, even if I'm not too good at resolving it. I suppose that also accounts for the tiredness. I'm finding I feel really tired early evening and then get a burst of life later on when I should be sleeping. As some have said, that can take weeks to sort itself. Its amazing the after effects of drinking?

I'm still trying to tackle smoking, well half heartedly at least and I'm starting to look at my diet as I think the lack of energy can be accounted for there aswell.

I took one important point from recent comments. As Meg and Kenny said, I was stressing out about the HNT thing and can be very prone to winding myself up by such things! Thanks for the reminder, I'm letting that one go, though I haven't heard from that bunch of alkies at Blogger. dAAve your comment on my last post had me reeling with laughter and is worth a read!! LOL

But here I am 3 weeks in and though its not long, it feels like a lifetime and not in a bad way. I have read on a couple of blogs about people writing goodbye letters to their addictive substance. Its something I might find useful so might give that some thought this week.

I'll be getting round to visit soon, I'm still up to my eyes in work, though maybe that's something I should address also. I have been calling in to read though.

Love to all xxx

Old HNT blog and Google Blogger

I'm just posting this to answer a few queries I've had re people not being able to access the old HNT or switch to Google blogger. The story so far:

I set up the old HNT originally well over a year ago. At some point after that I gave dAAve and JJ 'admin' access. A while later I stopped blogging and I think someone who had admin rights changed my access to posting only ie. when I returned to blogging a couple of weeks ago I only had access to post, I could not access the admin settings or template so I couldnt add or delete members by then.

I then decided to switch to Google Blogger myself and couldnt. I realised that it was the HNT blog holding that up so asked dAAve to remove me all together. He did this and I switched over but it seems that no one has been able to access the HNT blog since. (Is that right, I'm not too sure?)

Gwen set up the new one so all seemed OK but now it seems no one still attached to that old HNT blog can switch to Google Blogger? Theres something on the Blogger help about team blogs here but I dont understand it and I it doesnt explain why you folk cant switch?

I'm happy to contact Blogger to see if they can put it right but cant find a direct email. I will try to contact them via those help forums and see if they can add old HNT to me again so we can sort this out.

If anyone can understand whats happened let me know or post a link where I can contact Blogger?

Sorry this has caused all this hassle but I'm not sure why the new admins didnt 'inherit' HNT when I was taken off, it seems a mad way to do things?

Aaaaaargh!!!!!

Day fifteen - thats two weeks!

Well, I had to count up the days to see where I was and Shannon was right, today is fifteen! To be honest, I've been so caught up with trying to stop smoking that drink has left my mind completely. Might sound mad to try and tackle both together, but if I have something else to obsess about it takes my mind off drink. And these last few days have been free of thoughts of drinking at all and thats felt great.

Friday night was a close one though. I had a disagreement with the ex and felt a wave of craving come over me. I tried to analyse it, like I do, and concluded it came from insecurity. Insecurity about knowing whether I was right to be angry with him. Swinging to extremes in my head and not being comfortable with stating my case and feeling OK with that. And of course, I HATE confrontation of any kind. Anyway, I got through it and felt pretty good about that. But it was interesting to try to experience it and not run away from those feelings for once.

Still not sleeping as I'd like so still feeling pretty tired but all in all feeling pretty good. I'm trying to get to visit often but work is very busy and I'm being more productive but thanks for all the comments, as always it keeps me going!

Oh, I've also created another blog called Sobering Quotes (also linked from the sidebar) where I plan to post words of wisdom I find on my travels, the kind of thing I like to read to give me strength and can never find when I need them!

Day ten - Double figures!

Just a quick post as its been a hectic week, as I'm back to work. But, I've made it into double figures YAY!

Still feeling good, great infact and feeling the benefits of no alcohol both physically and mentally. I feel brighter and my skin feels brighter too for some reason! Sleep is getting better, though being really busy and more active helps and my appetite is really picking up so I need to watch what I eat as I'm prone to snack on junk and that makes me feel sluggish and yucky.

I'm pretty pleased so far and feel stronger by the day and am certainly more productive. Ten days doesn't seem that long but its made a hell of a difference. I think the kids appreciate the difference though they haven't said as much. I do have more time for them and patience too.

This is a phase I know I need to watch as I can tend to start firing on all cylinders and get my accelerator stuck! I know I used drink to wind down when I was like this so am trying to build in some relaxation time into each day, even if its just a nice soak in a hot bath. I am really appreciating being able to think more clearly and having the freedom from that constant drink/no drink/guilt trip debate that used to constantly go round in my head. It feels so peaceful!

Thanks again for all the comments, it really helps motivate me as I don't get much support elsewhere, other than on line.

I'll get round to visit you all at the weekend :-)

Day Six - almost a week!

Day six today and I wish I was feeling better. I'm much better mentally but am coming down with a heavy cold so feel physically rough and tired which has put an edge on things. I'm sleeping well but not actually getting to sleep till very late and next week I'm back at work so will find the first few early starts tough.

Apart from that though I'm feeling good and have noticed the subtle difference in life already. For example, this weekend I've spent more time with my kids. Last night we all watched a film together and the youngest snuggled up on the sofa beside me. I realized that I didn't used to like him sitting right next to me if I had a glass in my hand. And today I cooked Sunday lunch at lunchtime, instead of waiting till evening when I felt more like eating. Afterwards we went shopping, unheard of for me at the weekend. I've also felt more patient with the kids and I think they can feel the difference already too. And I've enjoyed every minute.

I have also been thinking back to what went wrong with my last serious and semi successful attempt at sobriety. Fourteen months ago I started drinking again after a 10 week sober spell. I'd felt great in that time and it wasn't an effort at all, no cravings and loving every moment and I've never worked out what went wrong.

One Saturday in November it was Guy Fawkes night and my oldest son was going to a friends party. I took the younger son to a fireworks display and went home. I'd normally go to the party the older son was attending and I somehow felt I was missing out on a good time because I couldnt drink. I was jealous of them having a drink and a good time I suppose. So I went out and bought wine, just to see what it was like (as if I didnt know!). I suppose I was convinced it could be a one off and I could be a 'normal' drinker again. And since then I've been drinking fairly regularly and at times pretty heavily. What a waste of fourteen months for the sake of a one off good time? But its proved to me once and for all that I can't drink normally and that's what I am going to keep foremost in my mind. One drink led to another fourteen months of it, that's not normal!

This time I want to be prepared for occasions like that as I felt it crept up on me unaware. So that's where my work lies in the coming weeks to maintain this, making a relapse plan. A set of responses for those drinking excuses which may arise. "Go on you can just have one"........."Bugger off, you know fine well you can't!"......Type of thing.

In the first instance I want to make my goal to pass that 10 weeks record, but of course I don't want it to stop there. For now I'm looking forward to tomorrow, it will be day 7, a whole week and a pretty good record for recent times. So far its been effortless, no cravings. A few passing thought but I think they're habitual responses. And I am feeling very grateful for all the positive sides to sobriety.

Day four and counting

I am in a state of shock just now. I've been shopping all day and spent a fortune on clothes/shoes including shoes with heels! I haven't worn heels for years! And you know, it feels great, I feel 10 feet tall (in 2 inch heels!!) LOL

I realized today how much I've let my self esteem, appearance wise, go and that's probably in line with my general self esteem slipping away. I have felt so dowdy for so long but just thought it was middle age. As I walked through the shopping mall I watched loads of other women my age, just oozing with confidence. Confidence isn't exclusive, I thought, I can have some too.

I didn't actually mean to spend so much but as it was all sale stuff I've got some good bargains, everything I got was 1/2 price. Never mind, its day 4 today and by this time on Friday I am normally well into a bottle of wine with another in the fridge. I'm determined this time though and while I feel I should have delayed gratification by treating myself in a few weeks, what the hell! If I keep on track, I reckon I will break even financially by the end of the month with what I save on wine, extra fags (and they're the next to go) and take aways bought as I couldn't face cooking. If it boosts my moral and keeps me sober, it'll be worth it! It felt great to pamper myself, I even took myself for lunch.

Since I got home I've been like a teenager, trying on clothes and lipstick etc. and haven't felt so good for ages. I hadn't realized how much I had neglected myself. So its a nice bath and a bit telly tonight and I should sleep as I've walked miles! I just heard a taxi beep outside, my neighbours off to the pub, who needs it!???

Day two - so far so good

I'm so overwhelmed with getting so many lovely, welcoming comments so soon after resurrecting my blog. I feel like the prodigal blogger! THANKYOU ALL! It really means a lot.

Well day two is almost closing. I didnt sleep well last night and was visited by all sorts of anxieties and fears in the wee hours but have felt much better today.

Yesterday I was winging it, today I put more thought into things, not too much though, I'm sort of living in the present, which can't be a bad thing. Kenny left a comment about turning the battle into surrender, I think there's a lot in that. Just now accepting the fact that I just cannot drink is a great relief, I just want to let go and see it as something positive, a battle feels too draining. Appreciate what I'm gaining and not feel I'm losing anything.

I have also realized that I've been feeling sorry for myself again. I suppose I'm lonely and that gets to me, but I have so much to be grateful for. Good job and kids, a lot more than many people. Self pity is one of my biggest faults and keeps me in this cycle when it starts. And the Christmas break is a killer time for me as I'm off work for 2 weeks and the break in routine kills me, my routine keeps me going and real a bit of a workaholic. Things I should plan for in future. Anyway, back to work in a day or so, so maybe thats lifting me, giving me a bit drive.

I also can feel what an immense depressive effect alcohol has on me. I can feel the cloud lift even after 2 days. Which is why I wonder why I insist on doing this to myself, it actually drains me, I can feel it sap my energy.

But tonight I'm not going to wonder too much. I hope to sleep better, I do feel really very tired.

Thanks again for calling in. I want to post regularly, I might do a weekly post looking back over my week. I think that might be useful but in the first few days I want to reflect daily.

Day One Again and I'm Back

Part of my New Years resolutions, infact the only and most important one is to stop drinking....again. If anyone remembers me, its a while since I blogged, this has been an ongoing battle for me for some years. I have enjoyed several spells of not drinking but failed to maintain it for long.

So today sees my day one over again, January 2nd 2007. As yet I don't have a battle plan, the only plan is simply just not drink and take it from there, simple as that.

I found blogging through previous attempts useful so thought I would start up again. Though last time I found it started to take over my life, so am not sure how often I will post. I just think its a useful tool for keeping focused and documenting the process.

I have been travelling round my old blogging buddies today and will leave comments in time. Many fellow recovery bloggers have been doing so well, it puts me to shame. I was also very sad indeed to see that Castor, who painted the image I use for my profile died recently.

So here goes, another shot at sobriety. I'm not getting any younger but stand little chance of getting much older if I carry on this way.