Response to 'Close Call' - Forum reply

Some of my posts are copied from a forum I belong to and often input from others is very helpful, as the comments are here. So I am going to post (with permission) some of the responses so I can look back at how I learned from them. One such reponse to my previous post:

love to hear of the boost to confidence overall. find myself wondering if the confidence that got shaken is the same kind of confidence that got boosted. that sounds weird, and i'll try to explain what i might mean. i'm thinking that maybe the one that got shaken is based more on a belief of the experience of the last few weeks that it hasn't been THAT hard and therefore WON't be that hard, rather than the boosted confidence which comes from the experiences of surmounting difficulties, and is a more satisfying, hardwon one. and maybe that's nonsense, and maybe it doesn't matter at all. just a thought. overall boost is great! your list of possible triggers...yeah, i can see that. not only was alcohol around, but it was presented as only a positive, something to be won, prized and enjoyed. Slipping back into the 'I can moderate' routine was the most likely and I just kept repeating to myself that I'd tried it sooo many times and it didnt work that way, it always went downhill overnight. no idea if this might be helpful to you at all: i think what's stopped me from having any thoughts of attempting to moderate is that i've looked at that and myself and know that i have no wish to moderate. i know that i would not WANT to have one...i'd want to get drunk. (that sounds sooo disgusting to me as i write it).so i don't think of moderation as something i can't do, but as something totally unappealing and pointless.

My counter reponse:

"so i don't think of moderation as something i can't do, but as something totally unappealing and pointless.".... This comment is pure gold and when I think about it I was thinking in terms of getting drunk rather than 'having a couple'. I knew I was alone that night, I knew I didnt have to get up, I even thought 'one bottle' isnt bad in 7 weeks, ie. I was going to drink the whole lot and not just have a glass, and that was a given before it even touched my lips. So even my addictive voice wasnt trying to fool me, it was thinking in terms of bottles of wine all along! I think keeping that 'one drink is pointless' in my head will help next time!!

Close call

Just wanted to check in as tonight I had the strongest craving I've had so far. After doing so seemingly effortlessly well, I was just suddenly overcome with a really strong urge to buy wine. There was no trigger to speak of, no associated thoughts, nothing. It really took a lot of persuasion, trying to relive the bad bits, remember the headaches, wretching other hangovers nightmares, reminding myself how many days counting I would lose, not to mention, two cans of red bull, a diet coke and large bar of chocolate in quick succession to dull it.

Whats that all about? If I were in some situation which presented temptation I could understand it but I wasnt. If it were last week when I had the sunny afternoon in the garden BBQing associations, I could understand it. There were those 'you've done so well, one bottle of wine in 7 weeks isnt bad' type of LB thoughts. LB was really trying its hardest. Is that a physical thing?

Thankfully I got through it but it was a close thing and I had that horrible feeling that at some point I would crack and I had no control over it. I just had to keep telling mysef I was a grown up and could chose not to drink. I think this was the situation that got me last time, totally unexpected and therefore totally unprepared for. But its bloody frightened me!

Just wanted to get this down while it was fresh. Oh, and also, its after mdnight here and I cant sleep ... too much red bull!! Time to give some thought to what might have been going on there.

Thoughts at seven weeks

Well its seven weeks today and tomorrow is Day 50!

I cant believe I am here already. Seven weeks ago this point seemed unachievable, which is why I kept putting it off I guess. It has seemed that way for the last 3 years since I was last at this stage and all it took was one simple act .... to stop drinking! It wasnt half as difficult or as the anticipation of it was.

In the last week or so my mood seems to be up and down and I need to keep watch over that as it was about this time in my last longish sober spell, that I stopped thinking about it and three weeks later I was drinking. I keep telling myself I dont want to go back there, so I suppose I am thinking about it on one level. But I feel a sort of 'emotional limbo' a lot of the time with a few feelings of unexplained episodes of anger thrown in and could see it would be easy to drift back to the 'I can drink normally, I'll have a couple to unwind' kind of thoughts. I've had no major cravings, but then I didn't last time, it seemed as if one day I just drank. I am sure it didnt happen like that but thats how it seemed. So I'm keeping my guard up and am trying to monitor how I feel and keep posting here. I still appreciate feeling better but am still overcome with periods of unexplained tiredness so that benefit isn't constant. However, I still havent cracked the relaxation so no wonder I'm tired. I keep going from the time I get up until way past the time I should be asleep .... like now! Something to work on next I think.

My frugality (is that a word??) isn't getting much better, but I am keeping track of spending religiously. I think one of the reasons I am giving myself a hard time about still smoking is the amount of money I am spending. When I work it out, I was spending less on drink that cigs, but given I was doing both back then I must be better off!

One thing I am trying to stop doing is giving myself a hard time for spending money on me. When I was drinking I spent as little as possible on myself out of guilt. A lot of cheap and second hand clothes. While there is nothing wrong with that I do think its good to treat myself to a few good quality staple items for my wardrobe. It makes me feel better to wear nice things. I spent too much on the kids, probably out of guilt too. I am now trying to turn that around. I work very hard and keep this house going single handedly, so I have spent some money on clothes and my passion of shoes. While I dont want to replace the drinking addiction with spending, I have decided I need to be better to myself and the kids need to do more to earn their lot! That lesson is a hard one to turn on its head, they're used to getting too much of what they want in return for very little and boy, its not going down well! Anyway, through this I'm trying to build a healthy balance to make myself feel more valued by me, and its boosting my moral! I am not really a materialistic person, but a few indulgences wont hurt!

My budgeting is still a nightmare but I am spending a lot of time and energy studying it! At least I have an acurate recoed of spending and its hleping me budget better for next month. For example I spent quiote a lot in the first 2 weeks of the month which panicked me. But this week I'm spending a lot less and I think it will even out so I can calculate an average and the best way to do a weekly / montly budget. For example I am finding it doesnt work budgeting clothes and car expenses on a weekly basis, so I have created seperate savings accounts for them and a few unexpected expenses have cropped up for which I think I need an emergency stash for one offs.

It isnt perfect and my budget has a long way to go but I think overall I've had a productive month getting things in place. I have also listed quite a few thigs on Ebay and to my astonishment have sold 3 things already and my other listings are being watched by a few people! This could turn into a new hobby! I am looking forward to the weekend when I can watch the countdown to the bids ending. I could see this being a profitable alternative to gambling!! It might also pay for the shoes I bought at the weekend!!

So all in all I am trying to stop giving myself grief for not doing well enough, (ingrained from youth. but thats another story) and for not doing it all at once. As of today I am 7 weeks sober, I am working on improving my finances and cutting down smoking with a view to stopping. Not bad for 2 months efforts!!

Over all there is a sense of order returning to my life. I am effortlessly (well almost!) getting everyday chores done .... well everyday. Things like washing clothes and dishes and cooking regular meals instead of takeaways. This has taken to whole 7 weeks to manifest itself however, the changes have been slow, a lot slower than the last long spell of sobriety, but I can see them clearly now.

Minor victories

I feel as if I chalked up some minor victories this weekend. It was the first really hot weekend of the year, here in the damp dismal UK and I got caught up in the two most popular activities of such a weekend. 1) Gardening 2) BBQs. Both activites are long associated with drinking for me.

The BBQ was quite an impromptu and low key affair, just me and the kids cooking tea outside, but on a hot summer Saturday evening after a productive day gardening, sitting with a glass or few of wine to admire the fruits of my labour was almost compulsory in summers gone by. Most of those evenings would end up with me well into the second bottle of wine long after the sun had set, however.

I was aware as we sat down to eat that something was missing, but it was just a fleeting thought, no strong cravings. I could hear the neighbours getting louder and louder as they enjoyed their drinks in the garden and just kept concentrating on the fact that I did not need alcohol to enjoy the evening and whats more, I would not enjoy the following day if I did drink.

All in all I was pretty pleased with my success and it managed to reinforce the thought in me that I DO NOT NEED TO DRINK. There is no situation I could be in, good or bad, that requires alcohol. I even stayed up late last night, after all the neighbourhood lights were out and reveled in the fact I would wake up feeling good. I intended to sleep late today, but since I've stopped drinking I seem to wake early anyway. As a result of not drinking I was also able to give my son a lift last night.

Consequently Day 47 arrived today intact! Woo hoo for me!!!

Thoughts at six weeks

Well Day 42 day so that makes 6 weeks I guess. Thing is I'm feeling a bit flat and less than celebratory about it. Maybe its just the way I am just now and I am settling down and taking it for granted, the honeymoon period might be over, which is OK as long as it doesnt spell danger. I must be vigilent of danger!! Maybe it a phase of the prolonged physical withdrawal?

But another thing and I think the main reason is that I'm giving myself a really hard time about still smoking! I feel I should be giving up and am a bit daunted to tackle this so soon in one way and disapointed in myself for finding it so hard when I've done so well with the drink! Am I just mad or is it just some alcoholic need to beat oneself up for something!?? I've been monitoring my smoking over the last two weeks and I thought it would reduce naturally when not drinking but its still over a pack a day, so maybe I was just smoking even more when I was drinking, I guess that was probably the case. However I thinks its going to be an entirely different beast to conquer, harder in many ways. But I reckon if I can apply the same thought power I might do it. Maybe I should just stop beating myself up and relax!

Reading the leaflet from the nicotine gum I bought which says to either choose a date and stop or cut down for a defined period of a month to 6 weeks then stop. While I know cutting down never worked with drink, I think the mechanics of the addiction are different with tobacco, for me at least, so I think I will spend a month cutting down by making rules like no smoking in the car etc and then set a quit date. Its crazy as when I'm at work I can go for 8 hours just using the gum and but as soon as I'm out I chain smoke. So anyway, looks like I'm heading for 1st June as a possible smoking quit date.

I've also been having strange sleeping patterns which may not help my mood. I've had few mornings where I've woken early with the alarm and then fallen back into a really deep sleep for about 2 further hours and slept through 2 seperate alarms and then take a good half hour or so to come round, and of course made myself late. I'd expect this if I were drinking but its most worrying and disapointing to have this happen when sober! I'm thinking of getting a check up at the docs.

I've just reread that post about stages of recovery and I MUST remember this and let myself just BE during these times. I'm trying to run before I walk.... nothing new there though!

Budgeting Blues

OK so here were my goals for last week:

Weekly goals:

1. Start to track of a full month of spending when I get my April salary to get a bigger picture and plan an ongoing monthly budget.
   
2. Put money away into various saving accounts when I get paid. Trying to keep as much as I can through the month and then saving it doesnt work! My need to be adjusted when i get a better picture of a full months expenses.
3. Plan menus on a weekly basis from what I have in stock and write a shopping list based on what we need. Shopping without a list is another big weakness of mine.
   
4. Cut down on smoking. This weeks money tracking has given me an honest view of how much I smoke. I know its on the 'to go' list but this early in sobriety I'm not doing too much at once.

Progress

1. Done - started a spreadsheet, well several spreadsheets, which is the problem. Budgeting spreadsheets are not my forte, I could NEVER be an accountant! But I think I've managed to produce something useful. One tracks my weekly spend, item by item and then I transfer the totals to a monthly one. Problem with this is I delete the weekly as I go and therefore lose track of out of the ordinary expenses. So I doubt I am doing this right, any suggestions?
2. Done of sorts - Set up accounts but managing cash is trickier. I have two purses now one for grocery/household and one for leisure etc but I keep spending from the wrong one so part way through the week I found writing down everything spent was better.
3. Hmm, not bad. Did a shop today but still found I was bulk buying on offers so it doesnt reflect a true week. So have decided to look at how the total monthly spend pans out. So far I'm well over budget for week one but things like petrol and some food items are bought for the whole month.
4. Didnt cut down - but tracked everything spent on cigarettes and its horrifying, I spent more on fags than food this week!! :-( I've bought some nicotine gum and am going to work towards cutting down and stopping. I am smoking over 30 a day!!! Given my track record with drinking, cutting down was never an option but I'll give it a go and monitor that this week.

Summary

I spend too much on non food stuff, I was shocked to find food was the least of my outgoings. I also smoke far too much. So this week was less working to a specified budget and more monitoring how much I spent on what. Apart from cigs, cans of pop and takeway food still figured highly after promising myself that would go down. I also spent on the nicotine gum and my herbal/vitamin supplements (2 months supply) which are part of my recovery plan, so at least that spend is towards my health. If I stop smoking and continue not to drink that expenditure can go too.

This weeks goals:

1. No takeaway food at all.
2. Cut down smoking by a measureable amount, hopefully half but at least 1/3 per day. Most of my smoking is habitual rather than a response to nicotine craving, I'm sure of that.
   
3. Continue to monitor spending. I'd like to monitor rather than budget for the whole of this month to get a true picture, with a view to working out a realistic manageable weekly budget for next month. My weekly estimate for this month is well under if these last 2 weeks are anything to go by.
   
4. Use the food I have in stock and only buy perishables as I need tham. I still throw out far too much unused food, left to go out of date :-(
   

Lessons learned??

I am trying to learn lessons from previous failed attempts at long term sobriety. Last time I had any length of time to speak of was 3 years ago when I stopped drinking for 3 months. I have been wracking my brains to figure out what went wrong, I think it was something very subtle.

I remember is my son was going to a party on bonfire night (Guy Fawkes is celebrated here!) and its something I used to go to with him but decided not to as it might be tempting to drink. Attending social events around drink was something I had not tackled yet. I had a fleeting feeling of 'missing out' but nothing major. I went to a fireworks display with my younger son, where there was no drink at all so no temptation, but bought wine on the way home and just thought I'd have a glass. Of course I had it all.

One of the only things I can think of is that since I had managed almost 3 months, there was something in me that thought 'if I've managed this I can easliy stop again'. And that was 3 years ago so this time round I have proved that isnt the case. Just before stopping this time I was really afraid that I had passed some point of no return. I think that experience has helped reinforce in me the fact that I cant ever drink normally, so hopefully that will help and I just do not want to risk repeating the last 3 years, or worse. But it is frightening that it just seems to creep up from no where.

The other thing I am bearing in mind is that several people seem to have reported drinking again, seemingly suddenly at the 3 monthish mark and theres an article (posted here somewhere) about that being a particular danger time in protracted physical withdrawal. So this time round I intend to be very wary at that point. Related article posted on LifeRing forum

Let me count the ways

Counting my sobriety time started off with a day count but has progressed to a variety of different milestone measures. As of today my milestones include:

• 37 days
• Five weekends (always been my most difficult times)
  
• Four full weeks
• One calendar month by date (26th)
• One calendar month by month (April)

Mad or what? Well in these early stages it gives me a series of minor victories. Hopefully as time goes on my micro milestones will less important and the targets larger, but for now it encourages me to see the time bulding up!

Thoughts at five weeks

This is just one of my notes to self, but any feedback would be appreciated. I was thinking today, 5 weeks into this that I feel as if I am not concentrating so much on 'not drinking'. Not that I am craving drink or anything, infact I've been really pleased that I've had no major cravings and one or two minor episodes. The thing I'm concerned about is my last long spell of success was 10 weeksish in toal and I seem to remember feeling the same then at a bout this stage, the focus on being/kjeeping sober subsided and I started to feel 'normal', thought I'd cracked it. Not so bad maybe, but 5 weeks later, last time I drank again. So it wasnt immediate, and I dont recall thinking at anytime I couldnt drink normally or anything, as far as I was concerened I approached life with a 'I dont drink' attitude. I suppose I took my eye off the ball. The exact reason I drank again did seem to have something to do with thinking I could drink normally again, but there didnt seem to be any thought process connected with that.

Now last time I didnt keep posting here or have any other grounding. I was quite heavily into the RR method and I think I took on board the concept that if one was going to make that lasting/final decision never to drink again, then why dwell on drinking..after all it wasnt something I was going to consider doing again. I think the counting days thing brought this up in my minds as I think the RR take on that is why count days when we have stopped for ever. The concept of thinking about possible relapse was thought to be pointless as it just wasnt going to happen. Or maybe I misinterpreted something all together?

Anyway I was just mulling over this and wondered if anyone had any similar feelings and how do we keep sobriety foremost in our minds when life in general starts feeling normal? Am I over simplifying this or over complicating it or an I just paranoid and mad??!!

Money makes the world go round

One of my first goals in sobriety is to get to grips with my spending. Never been good with money and though its caused me no real problems latelty (the past's another matter), I want to improve.

Drinking had a great impact on finances. Not only the cost of doing it but knock on effects like spending on takeaway food as I couldnt be bothered to cook. Not drinking has its own impact though, as there's nothing like going out shopping at the weekend when youre not hungover.

This last week I have written down every penny spent in a effort to see where my money goes. That in itself has helped greatly with impulse buying and so probably doesnt reflect my true recent habits. Its been difficult to get a true picture though as when I see offers like BOGOF on food items I use a lot I have to stock up. I probably need to spend one week just buying what we eat in the week. And there are other one off non food stuffs which arent regular spends. Anyway its a start.

The knock on effect from not drinking is that we have eaten less takeaway food and I am enjoying cooking more. Menu planning for the week would also help but I am starting by using what we have and going from there.

I have also started organising my money in the bank. My bank lets me open several online savings accounts that I can label for different things which helps seperate things and I've made a spreadsheet to keep track. So I now have accounts for long term savings, emergencies, car maintenance, bills and everyday expenses all in seperate accounts. I still have some credit to pay off but its not out of control so saving while doing that makes me feel I'm getting somewhere.

Saving money is new to me and I can see it becoming a new obsession but I suppose a valuable one. I love to log into my account and look at it!

Weekly goals:

• Start to track of a full month of spending when I get my April salary to get a bigger picture and plan an ongoing monthly budget.
• Put money away into various saving accounts when I get paid. Trying to keep as much as I can through the month and then saving it doesnt work! My need to be adjusted when i get a better picture of a full months expenses.
• Plan menus on a weekly basis from what I have in stock and write a shopping list based on what we need. Shopping without a list is another big weakness of mine.
  
• Cut down on smoking. This weeks money tracking has given me an honest view of how much I smoke. I know its on the 'to go' list but this early in sobriety I'm not doing too much at once.

Probably enough for this week!

Longer time, still no post

Well here I am again more than one year on. Not very much further forward but as of today I am 30 days sober.

I have decided to start my blog again but want to change how I approach it. Last time it was primarily a recovery blog, but I soon got caught up in the recovery Blogging social circle and found it distracted me (particularly when I wanted to be distracted) from my primary purpose. I spent more time Blog hopping than thinking about my own recovery and that became really time consuming.

This time I want to broaden it to other areas of my life which I need to work on, but are fundamentally connected to sobriety. I have been looking at stuff like how I handle money, how I spend my sober free time and generally organising my life. Things I didnt consider before. eg. I can be a spendthrift but being constantly hungover prevented even me from going out and spending! Now I am feeling better I feel I am rewarding myself by buying stuff, nothing exrtavagant and generally for my house and everyones benefit etc but I know I need to keep track of that. Delayed gratification was never something I was good at.

I want to work out a budget and learn how to handle my money better. Healthy eating is on the list as is giving up smoking and doing more, no some, excercise. I didnt really find it helpful to keep psting about how long I was sober and how hard it was etc. I want to grow and look back to see how I have grown and recognise what works and what doesnt.

There endeth my first post in a year!

Images

Long time, no post...

..but I appreciate everyone still calling in. I have visited you as well, though not always commented. I'm OK but have had a rough few weeks, particularly the last two.

Over Easter weekend I bottomed out drink wise, one of the worst times I've had, really bad stuff. I drank a little during the following week but last weekend something happened that made me think I'd been rumbled. Not by anyone close, but by a group of 'associates', people who don't know me at all well. A few things were said that made me go cold and I thought 'They know'. After the fact, I'm not sure if they do or not or if my paranoia read more into the situation, but one thing for sure is it terrified me. The thought of strangers seeing through me. In true alcoholic style I managed to cover my tracks quite spectacularly, even convinced myself. Deep down I could see the pattern and the fact I was trying to cover my drinking tracks and promised myself I would never be in this situation again. For many reasons, mainly family but for once I wanted to protect my own dignity in the future, maybe a little self worth creeping in? It was one of those situations where, whoever I thought I was fooling, there was no fooling myself. When it comes to honestly it has to start in your own heart.

Anyway, earlier this week I bottomed out in a different way, an emotional breakdown. I cried, for probably the first time in years, real sobs and tears, the lot and felt a whole load of things come to the surface. It's something that was probably well overdue to happen, I've really not cried for a very long time. Felt like it and tried to on many occasions but the floodgates seemed to be shut tight. I was also sober when this happened. But one thing I learned was, it wasn't all that bad and infact it was probably a good thing. Afterwards I felt like a cloud had lifted and it was a feeling of relief.

So if I've been drinking to avoid these emotions, I was just suppressing them and this stuff is better faced in small measures. And since then I honestly haven't thought about drinking. I want and hope to keep this emotional channel open. I think its healthy and something I've lost touch with for too long.

So my counter is reset, for what that's worth and I'm determined that the way is up from here. I know I have to move somewhere and down is not an option. It has been a tough time but if I have learned as much as I think then it's been worth it.

Tagged by Lushgurl

OK I got tagged, so here goes. Seven songs I like, not listening to all right now but just dredged up a few from under the surface of my memories! A bit of a mix of old and new, popular and probably unheard of! A weird taste in music for a weird mind!

1. Run - Snow Patrol
2. The Night - Franki Valli & the 4 Seasons
3. She Moves in Her Own Way - The Kooks
4. Living in the Past - Jethro Tull
5. Heart of Gold - Neil Young
6. Crash - Dave Matthews Band
7. Walking in Memphis - Marc Cohn

OK and now I need to tag 7 more. Its hard to see who hasnt been tagged with this one but I'll go for AAWakenings, Jedi Michael, Lounge Daddy, Spencer, Its a Girl Thing, Perfect Virgo and Second Surrender.

You're tagged guys and gals!

Still going...

Well, although I haven't posted all week, I'm still going! I've been busy but tried really hard to start to address some of the issues in my list.

On a daily basis I am trying to create specific, manageable goals and keep to them. I've tried to stop aimless surfing on the net as I was spending too many hours in front of this monitor. The better weather has improved my mood and this weekend I found myself making a start spring cleaning and looking forward to getting my house straightened out. I hate chaos but had allowed myself to let the place around me become messy and dishes were piling up etc. So my aim is to clear the kitchen at least every night. Keeping a tight routine is good when I work so much, messy surroundings depress me. I even put some thought ionto decorating the place over the summer.

I managed to get a bit of quality time with all of my kids, which turned out to be coincidental but gave me a chance to tell them how I thought things were drifting apart with us and I suggested us trying to eat together at least one night a week. This seemed to go down OK and I think they appreciated the thought. My cleaning activities this weekend (as opposed to lounging around hungover) also seemed to make a difference to them. It did to me at least!

I rang a friend who I haven't seen for ages and am going to try to keep that a regular thing. Isolation has become a way of life over recent times and that isn't healthy. I find it too easy, so I am making an effort in that direction. I enjoyed the chat!

I'm exploring some recovery stuff, doing some reading. I know AA works wonders for some but I still feel its not for me, I'm not going to dismiss it and I love my AA friends here but I feel there are other ways and want to explore more. I had a most success in the past with Rational Recovery so want to revisit that and am exploring a solution focused approach. So I'm reading and thinking and working hard at it.

Physically, I could feel better, still tired but am working hard but am trying to keep a balance and relax as much as I can. I'm trying to walk a bit every day, nothing too strenuous but its something for me!

So that my week, progress I hope!

Second day musings

I've spent ALL day on here reading recovery stuff, which I at first thought was either a waste of time or a clear case of navel gazing. However, a few things have fallen into place thanks to stuff I've picked up from comments and other peoples blogs. I'm just going to list them as they come to mind now and filter through them later:

1. I have real difficulty sorting out the things I can and cannot change. There are some things in my life which are in my power to change, which are really getting me down. And that's not only drinking it the way other people treat me, mainly my kids walking all over me. Mostly my fault for inconsistent parenting while drinking.
   
2. I'm getting really rattled internally by small things that people do. A sign that I am doing too much and under pressure. But some of these thoughts may also be based on me rightly standing my ground in some situations, for once and feeling uncomfortable and uncertain with that.
3. I need to build my self esteem and confidence which has taken a battering in recent years. Maybe as I've not been in a relationship and I've always fed my self worth from others....very unhealthy, I know, but a hard habit to break and replace.
   
4. I'm hanging on to one or two resentments from the past which are long overdue for letting go. I am the only one getting chewed up by these, I have no contact with the individuals involved.
5. I need to get some routine back in my life and stick to it.
6. I need to leave work at work and build a better home life, this is also linked with the previous item and possibly #1.
7. I want to explore my spiritual side, something that used to be important to me but which I cast aside a while ago. Not sure what direction this will take.
8. A consistent support system. As Scott mentioned in my last comments, I've struggled with 'getting' AA, possibly to do with my last point but also practical problems about attending regularly. I blog when I'm struggling, then let it slip and take my eye off the ball when all is going well. Bad news for me and the kind people who show support, where am I when you need me? :-( I've dabbled in other recovery routes but not stuck to anything through the good times.
9. I need to lower my expectations of myself and accept I'm not Superwoman. I don't do too bad a job under relatively difficult circumstances.

OK, not a bad list for a start, but making sure I address these is the hard part! So today was useful but I must make a note to self not to do it like this again. Thanks to my blogging community for the inspiration. Now to try to get some sleep.

Back to square one....again

Looking at the title of this post makes me feel sick. How many times have I been there and how many more times will I say that? I want to thank all of you who have continued to call by and ask after me. I can honestly say there is no one in my 'real world' who does that. OK that's the self pity out of the way! It means a lot to see the 'You've got comments' email land in the inbox, thankyou :-)

I know what caused this last relapse. A career change which I've wanted for a long time, but it has upped the pressure and I'm not sure I can cope with that. Mainly due to insecurities around the 'am I good enough' stuff. Self doubt. So as usual, I cope on the surface and then retreat into the bottle. Another factor was a family issue which causes me grief because I feel I should be able to cope better than I do. I cope better than some in this situation but I often underestimate just how tough it is and fail to give myself even a little credit for doing an OK job.

One thing I know, and maybe its the only thing I know at the moment, is drinking doesn't help either of these situations, but did I really need to try it out one more time? Just to convince myself? I sometimes wish I had someone there to say 'You're doing OK Grace', but fail to see why I cant do that for myself, after all I'm a big girl now, supposedly. Lack of self respect and confidence I guess, but what's new, I've worked that one out many times before aswell.

So what can I do now? Work on finding a way to cope with this stuff in a healthy way. I really don't need to prove that drinking just makes it all worse.....again.

That's enough for now, I don't like blogging when I'm feeling sorry for myself and this post id heading ion that direction, so I'm off to catch up on you all. Thanks for being here folks :-)

Still going, but not so strong

Well, I've passed my first month mark but the honeymoon period seems to be closing.

I am starting to struggle, not with wanting to be sober, just with being sober. I suppose I am now starting to come across situations which would normally have sent me into the bottle and finding other ways to deal with those emotions is hard. Its just life I suppose, nothing too traumatic, just ups and downs, normal stuff. It shocks me to realise how much of a wimp I've been not facing this stuff head on.

Another big factor I have recognised it loneliness. I have loads of good stuff in my life right now, for which I am really grateful, but miss having a special someone to share it with. This has been a biggy for me for some time as its about 4 years since I've been in a relationship. Back then, I was determined to 'sort myself out' before sharing my life with a partner, but maybe that just never happens! An now I'm so far removed from the 'dating thing' that I wouldn't know where to start and considering I'm getting on for 50, I sometimes wonder if that boat has passed me by for good. I have no social life as such so the opportunity to meet someone just doesn't happen. So my life revolves around work and kids and as the kids get older and have their own lives I become more isolated.

I suppose that's another facet of sober life, getting involved in sober social circles. I have avoided the few opportunities I have had as they all involve drinking and that's not something I feel comfortable being around just yet. I'm not feeling sorry for myself as such (well maybe I am!) its just something that's hit me in the face this week.

Ho hum, well anyway, whatever happens, sobriety comes first just now. So there I am sober but feeling a bit maudlin today. Never mind, tomorrows another day!

A Post for Castor

When I first returned to blogging recently, I discovered that my old blogging friend Castor has passed away last year when I read the comments on this post.

Castor was a talented artist in Vienna and from my knowledge of him in the blogging world, he was a lovely and gentle man. He painted the profile image I have been using and posted it on his blog for me some time ago as I had used a poppy image before that. The painting is called 'The Other Death'.

At first I wanted to leave the image in my profile but I am now finding it making me feel very sad each time I see it. So I have decided to create this post in Castors memory and say farewell to him here. I can always look back and link to his blog so long as it is there. And I have given the blog a new colour scheme and profile image of a snowdrop while I wait for spring to arrive!

Farewell Castor, sleep well xxx

Day 21 - Three weeks

Well, the last three weeks have flown by and so far its still so good. I'm getting busier and busier though and still find it really hard to slow down a bit, but at least I'm aware of that, even if I'm not too good at resolving it. I suppose that also accounts for the tiredness. I'm finding I feel really tired early evening and then get a burst of life later on when I should be sleeping. As some have said, that can take weeks to sort itself. Its amazing the after effects of drinking?

I'm still trying to tackle smoking, well half heartedly at least and I'm starting to look at my diet as I think the lack of energy can be accounted for there aswell.

I took one important point from recent comments. As Meg and Kenny said, I was stressing out about the HNT thing and can be very prone to winding myself up by such things! Thanks for the reminder, I'm letting that one go, though I haven't heard from that bunch of alkies at Blogger. dAAve your comment on my last post had me reeling with laughter and is worth a read!! LOL

But here I am 3 weeks in and though its not long, it feels like a lifetime and not in a bad way. I have read on a couple of blogs about people writing goodbye letters to their addictive substance. Its something I might find useful so might give that some thought this week.

I'll be getting round to visit soon, I'm still up to my eyes in work, though maybe that's something I should address also. I have been calling in to read though.

Love to all xxx